BTS

Film Out

April 03, 2021

 


Letting go is one thing; but letting go of something you believed you never have to is a different kind of heartbreak. And you'd think that's painful enough. Learning how to be at peace with the thought that's all that is left are just memories — that is where everything hurts. 

But we settle with that. We protect these images in our heads so dearly because that is the only way to keep what was real. What was light. What was love. 

Maybe that's why history is so important; because it's a shared piece of our lives that can never be taken away by anyone that comes after us. 

And maybe that's why nostalgia was invented; because it's the closest way to remember the piece of ourselves that got lost, too, when they decided to leave. 
featured

WOW — 2020!

January 03, 2021

Wow — 2020! This year was so terrible I feel like there's so much, yet ironically, also nothing happened for me. I tried looking back and it was honestly so difficult to think of anything outside the pandemic and the long lockdown and quarantine.

You see, the Bataan outing I've had with my solid high school barkada felt like years ago when it has only been just 11 months. That was January — could have been the worst because we were caught in a car accident on the way home (which still traumatizes me to this day), but the days that came after decided to be worse; so I guess, yup — that solid night is probably my best memory with friends this year. The next morning, like nothing so bad happened, it was already my first day on my current job. My life was all about it since then. 

The last normal thing I did before the pandemic was climbing twin mountains in Bulacan. That was March — my first ever hike — when I promised myself I'd start to see beautiful sunrises on top of mountains this year. But then, that was the first and last of 2020. The last memorable thing I did before we went on full lockdown five days thereafter. 

I turned 22 this year and had no proper celebration like what I've been planning in my head since February. People closest to me would know how much I look forward to every celebration and how I am always so eager to prepare and plan everything because it's the one day I get to gather my different circles of friends. I love it when I see everyone so comfortably drunk and laughing altogether as if they have known each other for so long. But I was deprived of such beautiful moment this year, and that makes me ultimately sad. It honestly feels like one year of my life was taken away from me defenselessly. I can only wish to turn back time just so I could make my 22nd year a bit more memorable as it should be.

The next months were blurry. Vague. The year went by slow and quick at the same time. I tried hopping from one bandwagon to another — made Dalgona coffee and miserably failed; learned how to bake like everyone else; tried every sushi bake online; splurged over unnecessary pretty things every grand sale day of the month; binge-watched and cried over every K-Drama I see on Netflix; and now I'm also almost done revamping my room. Were all of these my coping mechanisms? I think so. With the pandemic and the consequences of not being able to see my friends regularly, going through work stress and career crisis in my own room, and my most important relationships falling apart right before my eyes — those truthfully helped me and kept me sane one point or another. 

But, still, the days were lonely. Terrible. Difficult. 

Then, I found Bangtan — brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. It was a complete turnaround for me. I don't expect people from outside to understand. It's unreal, but also so genuine at the same time. Nothing had healed me like they did. They saved me from my own demons, my heartbreaks, and from all the crazy the pandemic has brought upon me. The lonely days suddenly felt bearable. Some friendships dissolved along the way; but also because of BTS, I rekindled a few relationships and found new friends to share this pure love with. 

This year changed me in a lot of ways, too. The way I think, how I react, how I handle things, the decisions I make, the kind of energy I allow in my life, my pains, the happiness I choose to have — all of it drastically changed in such a short amount of time. I'm not entirely sure if these are effects caused by the pandemic as well; but, certainly, it forced me to live a totally different life. The hardships and heartbreaks that I willingly chose to silently deal with have molded my character today; redefined how I come face to face with my own battles; and allowed me to know myself better in a lot of aspects. With everything that happened, I just know, at the very least, in one way or another, I grew up. And I have been better. 

Thankfully, 2020 also gifted me with wonderful people whose very presence comforted me in times of sorrow and difficulties. As I look back, as much as I love resolving things on my own, certain people still made sure I don't go through it alone — they who have constantly loved me and cared for me and valued me in ways more than one. They are 2020's best blessings to me. They are absolutely the same people I'll take care of and keep in my life for a long time. 

Today, I think about these things. I would want to be a hundred percent genuinely grateful because my biggest blessing this year is that I'm healthy and alive and my family is far from sick. But there is this selfish, insensitive part of me that isn't, that I couldn't just simply ignore; because I know that it could have been different. It could have been better. 

Trust me, I also hate how privileged all of this sounds. But, I would just like to finally speak of these things, and validate my personal struggles before I fully let go of this year — just once, here in my safe space. I am completely aware of how hard it was for others and I couldn't even imagine putting myself in their shoes. But, it was a struggle for me, too — and I have to acknowledge it at the very least. I promised to live a little kinder everyday; to sympathize and empathize and be as compassionate as I can to others; that I tend to forget how important it is to care for and be kinder to myself also. I know we all faced battles this year; yours and others were probably way more difficult than mine. But it doesn't make mine less of a struggle. As for me, this has been the toughest season of my life; and just this time, for the sake of my peace, I won't invalidate it any longer.

The world stopped for me this year. All too suddenly and without fair warning. Everything changed for me. My daily life. My relationships. My usual. My dreams. My goals. It was so hard to take in all at once, but I had to; because accepting it is the best choice and is the only way to move forward. 

That's just it for me and my year-end note.

Thank you to my family and my best friends for keeping me sane and for your constant effort to make me feel loved. 

To my OT7, you are honestly the best thing that happened to me this year. 

I'm just ready to finally end and let go of this year. It was truly a lot. There's nothing more to say so I would like to end this with — good fucking bye, 2020. 
BTS

PROLOGUE: BANGTAN

November 22, 2020

Sometimes, I try to comprehend this love I have for BTS — where it's coming from, why it just keeps growing, and how possible it is to feel this much. It sounds crazy but they were the friends I had when I needed someone to listen to my truths and fears. 

I remember how much I struggled with my friendships and career this year; all of it happening while dealing with the pandemic. I had to take it all in and act as if everything was perfectly fine; just because. I had to live with the monsters in my head that I created myself. Sometimes, I feel like they're eating me alive, but I refused to ask for anyone's help because I didn't want to add up to anyone's struggles anymore. 

Then, I FOUND BANGTAN. 

Healing from these things is never easy. More so, trying to do it alone. But with BTS, healing doesn't have to become so messy — thanks to their music, their story, their presence, their lives. Again, it sounds insane, but it was BTS who truthfully saved me from these unwanted monsters. They brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. 

I knew I needed someone to understand and it was their music that became my absolute consolation. It honestly felt like my fears were valid; and for the first time, it felt okay to be sad about something. Suddenly, it was okay to feel. 

I am happier and so much better now. But healing takes time and I am still on the process of fixing everything that was broken of me. It would have been tiring and difficult; but now, I look at it as a journey that will unfold countless better things for me when I reach its end. Now, I think less of the bad days and the sad memories. I only look forward to the good days and happy memories that are waiting for me. 

People from outside will never understand this incredible, wonderful, overwhelming love for Bangtan and how it had changed my life one way or another; that's why besides finding them and their beautiful, heartfelt, meaningful music, I am so glad to have found friends to share all of this with. I mean, reconnecting friendships that go way back elementary; mending broken relationships; bridging the distance between PH and USA; and finding someone who felt like a soul sister BECAUSE OF BTS! I think that's beautiful. 

To YOU who is reading this right now, I truthfully hope that you get to meet these amazing people, too, one day — in the most perfect time, in YOUR right time — just like I did. And if you already did, welcome to my space that will most probably be talking a lot about them now. Let's share this love for a long, long time!


featured

GOOD DREAM

June 05, 2020




I wish to tell the world we made it. 
But you and I were a dream short-lived. 

If that was the only lifetime we have, I would spread all the love I have of you too thickly until I cover all the vast spaces between then and now. 

If that was the only lifetime we have, I would hide in the sunset and and squeeze myself in the last minute before we parted ways. 

If that was the only lifetime we have, I would scatter pieces of me in the night sky, in the silence, and in the long ride home so I could stay and live a bit longer in this only lifetime we'll ever share. 

You were a good dream, the kind that appears one night in a thousand years.
I would live in it if I could. 

But we were meant to live a thousand other nights more. 

I can only hope of a lifetime where we try a little harder; where I could be right for you and you could be better for me. 

Until then, you will always be my good dream. 
featured

BELLA CIAO, 2019!

January 10, 2020
Hey. I'm back. And, ironically, for a bittersweet parting note. 

I have all the words to write a thoughtful year-end post; but it took me long enough, exactly a week after the new year officially knocked in, to finally sit down and wrap-up the year that was. If I am being completely honest, I was not ready to put an end to such an amazing, wonderful year. And I feel like putting it out here for you, my little universe, to read and see actually means my 2019 literally (and officially) ending right before my eyes. 

I did not want 2019 to end. I knew it when the holiday rush came along and I could not, in any way, convince myself enough to join everyone else who was counting down to the last few days of the decade. I was just there — silent, but with a hundred thoughts running in my head, and feeling all sorts of possible things — happy and sad and fulfilled and anxious all at the same time, while scouring through tangible memories this year had generously bestowed upon me. It was HUGE. And special. And grand. Amazeballs, as I'd like to coin it — is what my 2019 has mostly been. 

It is my favorite year of all because what I consider the best highlights of my life by far seemed coincidentally yet perfectly timed to transpire all in one year. For one, I finally earned my bachelor's degree with a rightfully and, as I'd like to believe, a well-deserved Latin honor. Nothing can ever compare to seeing my parents — my rock and pillars of strength standing right beside me on that graduation stage of June 1st — joyful and immensely proud of a bronze medal and a diploma that is worth years and years of hard toil. Should I mention how my last six months in the academe, in a university I have truthfully loved since the beginning, were as memorable as I'd imagined it in my head. My best friend and I defended our thesis with zero revisions; I wrote my first screenplay ever; I pitched campaigns in front of the class for the last time; I was anchor for a sports newscast for my last production work ever; I ate so much of our staple college food Angkong and still had drunken school nights as per usual during my last few weeks in UST; and finally walked down the graduation aisle together with the same faces I have grown to love every day since Freshman year. 

I entered the corporate world only two months after graduation. Just like how impulsive I am when it comes to a lot of things, I immediately said yes to my first job offer ever — on my first interview over an almost-20-minute phone call. I would have been thankful for the rare, wonderful opportunity but those days were true tests of time. I can still remember silently crying in the bus so strangers won't notice, at night before I go to bed, in front of my bathroom mirror while everyone was fast asleep, and almost always to my best friend on random voice calls or dinner dates. Meltdowns became quite normal and I've lived waiting and longing for the weekend. It felt like the longest three months of my life and getting out of it felt like the most liberating and best decision I've made in 2019. That short time felt like a totally different lifetime — it was so bad and lonely, I never want to relive any of it longer.

But other than this tragic episode that absolutely lacked joy and upsides, the rest of the year was fruitful. 

I traveled places in 2019. I went to Caleruega with my home block for a quiet time of soulful reflection. The bus ride and game nights were hard to forget. Tagaytay was a usual, but our weekend getaway the past year was something else. Maybe because the weather is a perfect cold and it was the mother's side of the family whom we are sharing coffee and waffles and bulalo with. I had a couple of beach trips, too. I went to La Union with my college best friends, our very first out of town trip together. I surfed, picked grapes, explored its northern side, and happily devoured some of Elyu's bests. I loved that trip so much! We also spent the quick Halloween break at Subic. I didn't think I needed a break; but, as it turns out, a short time away from the city together with the people who matter most to me is all and everything I need to regain the positive energy.

The family went back to Boracay, an island so close to our hearts, to celebrate some of the most important dates in our June family calendar. I was only 14 when I first visited the island and I fell in love with it instantly. After so many years, I still feel the same about it. For me, nothing came close to the fine white sand, clear waters, and deep jaded seas this long stretch of Boracay beach boasts of. Even sundown in Boracay is beyond words. I've watched a couple of beautiful ones in my lifetime, but the sun sets gloriously in this island.  I saw how the sun painted the sky so majestically— pink and orange clouds running seamlessly through lavender skies— while listening to the calming sound of crashing waves. No wonder so many people from across the world go crazy in this paradise. I wish to live here forever and watch Boracay sunset all my life. I would go back in a heartbeat, no questions asked. 

In November, I went out of the country for the first time with my best friend in the world — and it had to be in South Korea, just because. It was the last stretch of autumn then. If we arrived a week later, we would have missed the season. The weather was freezing cold, but I still dared walk around wearing a hanbok. It was the most Korean thing I ever did. We explored cities until negative-degree midnight; until our feet got sore and it was our eyes that wanted to shut off. We ate a lot in Seoul. We had coffee, banana milk, gyoza, and gimbap for breakfast; while galbi, authentic Korean barbecue, chicken, and soju became staples for dinner. Nami was beautiful, even if the trees were almost barren and it lacked the majestic Fall colors I've seen in photographs. It was still glorious. Myeongdong was crowded but it had the best tteokboki and fish cakes and the variety of street food and skin care products seemed endless. Hongdae was youthful with all its bright lights and loud music and vibrant people. We had little adventures, too, in different parts of the urban. We climbed up N Seoul; took photos with the lovelocks; rode cable cars; sled tirelessly at Pyeongchang; got lost in subways and train stations; looked for Bok Chicken and fangirl-ed over Kim Bok Joo; and finally rode Gyro Drop which has long been in my bucketlist. I could go on and on and blabber about all the good things that happened, but let me leave it at: Korea was incredible. 

It was an amazing year, as I'd relentlessly say, and I have to give credit to the people in my life who took a massive part in making it the best one yet. I boast of my high school squad whom for five years now have been solid than ever and remains to be the true best until today; of my best girl friends who celebrated my successes as if it was theirs and have constantly stayed by my side through many episodes of heartbreaks and losses; of the best guy friends in the world who treat, love, and care for me like a princess and a little sister of their own; and of my family whose unconditional love embraced my soul and powered me through most of the year. I have always felt their love and warmth, and it is what sustained me throughout the year, especially during the many times I was lacking and needing. I have my favorite places now; more favorable days; and this most adored season because of their doing. They listened, took care of me, protected and defended me at all costs, loved me, believed in me, and supported me in so many occasions. I am and will always, always be grateful to be surrounded with such wonderful, kindhearted human souls. 

See? It was impossible not to fall so deeply in love with 2019. I loved it for everything it had and all that it was — the good days and bad, the little victories and failures, the places I've been, the people who stayed and the ties I've willingly cut, the little things and big moments, and all else in between. I still can't say I am living my best life right now despite the number of reasons I've laid down here, but this was a rewarding and meaningful season that 2019 will forever hold a special place in my heart. It would be so hard to completely let go of it but I am genuinely happy that I only have the best memories and only the best people to remember of the year that was. 

I literally don't know what's next for me, especially in this crazy phase of real adulting, but with the wonderful people behind me who have been constantly supporting and cheering me on, it feels like I am ready to conquer the world anytime soon. With that, bella ciao, 2019!

Here's to being kinder and braver. Here's to dreaming, loving, growing, and doing better. 2020, I am ready for you!

featured

THAT SUNDAY

July 01, 2019

Last Sunday, I was back at our place. Your memories I thought I've already buried deep in my head resurfaced all too suddenly. The scars of our excruciating ending sting a bit. Surprisingly, a part of me still clearly remembers that day.

It was also a Sunday. I looked quite different. I still had my long, disturbing, black hair and still wore braces I wished were gone sooner. I am not sure if the streets then were quiet and empty, or it was just because I only laid so much of my eyes on you that I never noticed how we were walking in between the hustle and bustle of the city. On that particular day, we thought spontaneity could also be our thing. It could have been, I'm certain. 

 We set foot on new places for the first time together. It felt amazing— having been able to experience actual firsts with you. I was able to visit old, familiar sites but now with a hand to hold. That Sunday, I was all yours and you were all mine. It was a bit strange to have you hold me as if my bones would fall broken once you let go of it. You never not held my hands that day. You gently rubbed my skin with your fingers, clasped my tiny hands tighter, and gently kissed it whenever you had the chance. I held you just the same, or so I thought, but yours was always better in every way. You were effortless in all the things you do and I could not even in the slightest bit compare. Maybe that is why you let go of mine eventually. 

That weekend was clear and bright so we had a great view while eating lunch. I loved it. I ate chicken. You had ribs. I should have ordered the same as yours so you didn't have to share a slab or two with me. We both liked it so much. One thing we have in common is that we love eating, and food in general. I still remember our first date that involved a lot of salmon sashimi, our favorite. I also have fond memories of finishing family meals by ourselves and randomly going on Japanese eat-all-you-can as if being together was already reason enough for a buffet celebration on any day. That Sunday with you was equally priceless. I happily sat there in front of you, watched you relished and slowly smothered your smoked meat, and died a little when you genuinely smiled at me right after. I wish I could have that everyday. You looked at me like I was the most precious, most valuable person in your life at that time. At least, that's how I felt. 

We went to Church. I thanked God for the hundredfold of blessings— one of which is most absolutely you— and the many wonderful, incredible days because of you're doing. I talked to God about sunshine, solace, music, and warmth. I talked about you. That Sunday, I was sure of you. I was so certain I wanted all of you in full daylight and when half the globe is fast asleep. I wanted more of our early mornings, and waffles, and maple syrup. I wanted more of Marvel, stolen kisses, hand-holding, and cheesy romantic movies with you. I wanted more of our drunken and late nights all sealed with a kiss. I want a lot more of it.

 I secretly looked at you in between moments of silence. I want that forever. You were a living, breathing reminder that all is well in the world. It would not be the last of our little adventures, I told myself. I thought of the countless daydreams I've had of us trekking mountains, catching waves, and watching the moon and the stars at night by the beach. I've never been happier. I prayed to God I never have to lose you. Not ever.

That Sunday was fleeting. But it felt endless. I was recording every moment, as if I already knew those pieces would have been the only ones left of what was good. I caught you playing with the clouds. You looked so happy. I could literally watch you do it all day long and never get tired. I took a photo of the thick fog covering vast fields of green, and big cotton clouds chasing after each other, to forever remember the comfort of the cold and quiet time with you. 

I thought a lot about you and I. That Sunday, we were perfect together. You and I were under pink skies— I could not imagine such a moment with anyone else than you. It was beautiful. We had coffee, talked about the future, and watched sundown together. I wished that Sunday was forever. I had the road, the cold, the view, the golden hour, and all of you. I wished it had not ended so fast. I wish we didn't. 

 It was quiet on the way home. We listened to Michael Bublé. I had your arms wrapped around me. You wanted to stay a little longer. I wished you stayed forever. 

My love, I wish to tell the world we made it. But that Sunday and every other good memory of the short time we've been together is all what I have left. And a part of me will always remember. 

 Always. Even if you couldn't. Even if you wouldn't. 
16th April

TWO DECADES AND ONE

April 17, 2019
Here is what two decades worth of constant learning and growing and healing have made me— hopeful and optimistic and brave. Although sometimes troubled and weary, I take pride with my patient and gallant heart that is struggling to listen more, to love truly, and to live fully each waking day. I battled all those young years of my life with grace and grit, and have managed to come through every single time with and because of a decision to be fearless. 

21 years after and here I am. 

I know of fearless learning— that with growth comes bracing uncertainty; that wisdom is unraveled through time and the willingness to unfold life and the thrill of it all at a slow, unpredictable pace; that finding and knowing yourself truly happens only if you have lost yourself in the process and learned; and that real growth is actually nurtured by courage, fueled by pain, and powered by failures. 

I grow fearless of failures— fearless enough to graciously celebrate these endless cycles of defeat; and valiant enough to get back up, start over, try again, and turn tables around. Unlike this tiny human spectrum that voids itself of imperfections, I bravely acknowledge my own vulnerabilities and openly accept the fragile parts of me.

I am now fearless of pain— fearless enough to allow my tired and heavy heart to cry and be defenseless at times; and generously award it the chance to rest for all the battles it conquered and had barely survived. I know the countless risks I gamble with every time I put myself in the possible pitfalls of coming up with decisions I was unsure of; but still have daringly taken just because it could have been worth it. The world had hurt me, stabbed me, and crushed me with its harsh reality. My heart was betrayed too many times, but it didn't fail to heal time and again. It was bravery to fight through the pain; and there was strength to find the courage to fight again. 

I am made of fearless dreams— the huge, ambitious ones that drive me insane and give me an incredible, rapid rush of adrenaline by simply thinking about them. I've built these dreams in my head and placed all of it in my heart only with the sincere intent to fulfill them. Both clueless and enthralled, I could not wait any longer to take on the world— little by little, slowly, surely, and selflessly— together with the very people who truly matter. 

I dream of fearless living— that the most meaningful moments almost always happen as an aftermath of massive leaps of faith boldly taken; that life is only truly relished if lived here and now without regrets; that memories of a lifetime are merely bestowed upon humans with dauntless souls. I lust after ambiguity, the vague image of the future, and the surprises it holds, and the inexplicable pleasure of knowing much but not everything at all. 
I live for fearless loving— the kind of love that is honest and genuine and brave; a love so unconditional that is showers forgiveness to those who are not even apologetic; a love so fearless that it braves losing important people over and over again; a love so heroic that it wishes goodness and happiness even for those who have harmed and wronged me. 

I want MORE of this fearless loving— the kind of self-love that transcends fiascoes and wrongs; a love that further nurtures my growth; a love that functions well with the rational; and a love that empathizes rather than sympathizes. 

I still hope to be more fearless to stand for what is true; to live with integrity and by principles; to fully accept responsibility; and to always speak of truth no matter how difficult it appears to be. Constantly, I remind myself that my world— and my numerous versions of reality— needs and deserves more of my bravery, no matter how little and insignificant it is. And for the rest of my life, for the years I have yet to wander this earth, I swear to be fearless in all the right ways, even if the world asks me otherwise. 
featured

WRITER'S BLOCK

March 04, 2019
I have all these thoughts kept in the little compartments of my brain, all of it naturally bleeding in my heart. But words are missing. Stuck somewhere. Nowhere. Seemingly buried deep down elsewhere. Truth is, I don't write much anymore and I incredibly miss the adrenaline rush only words can give.

I wish I could write more. Better.

It is my heart that makes the writing all possible. Yet, no matter how fearless and potent it is, it also loses its flame and gets weary at times. It was not as difficult before, to be honest. In fact, words then flowed so rapidly I had to catch all of them as swiftly as possible before I miss an entirely different train of thought from the current. But now, the heart chooses the days when it's vulnerable enough to crack open. And when it strongly refuses to do so, writing crumbles down in one stroke.

But there are also days when it overflows and feels everything all at once that words become so interesting and friendly enough. Days when all I could ever think about was this sudden urge to write about anything. So when one of those days finally comes, allow me to release these thoughts and words— even if they appear lacking and repetitive and senseless by the last line— and to write endlessly until I burn out again.

I will write about the heartbreaks and losses I've braved, and how I got back up and won all of it a hundred times over. I will write about the moments that made me extremely joyful and grateful. Even the things that made me scared and sorrowful, I will share them with you. I will talk to you about the things I dread to discuss using metaphors and idioms and a poem. I will tell you about the man I've loved for so long, and how until today he surprisingly still means something and so much to me.

I will wake and nurse this impassive heart, I promise. I will try, and never stop trying, with hopes that it gets better eventually. But until then, I would carefully keep these stories first in the little compartments of my brain; all of it remembered and cherished, while the heart searches for the right words to give them justice.
featured

FINAL FAREWELL

December 31, 2018

I would never know if putting down these thoughts constantly running in my head day and night is the best thing to do. But I am doing it, anyway, with walls crashed and all guards down. It is a rare case that you chance upon my space but if you do, in the slightest shot that you are actually reading this, here I am, bold and truthful, with my unfiltered musings. Bab, this is for you. 

How are you, my love? It has been a while since the last time we had a real conversation and that moment is still so vividly clear in my mind. There is this strange comfort I get from you and, surprisingly, despite being some sort of strangers yet again, you still had it. I remember how we spontaneously talked about your family and school and the latest events in our lives, and how we exchanged meaningful glances until the wee hours of the morning. If I only knew that would have been the last, I would have not just cried in front of you. I would have probably gathered every bit of insane courage to finally tell you everything I have wanted long enough to say. 

I miss you, that is all.

For the longest time, that is somewhat everything I wanted you to know. And I really wish I knew hundreds of different versions to say I miss you, so that every single time that I did, which is probably almost every single day since that very fateful day you decided to leave, I could have subtly told you how much your absence feels like a certain part of my being I never knew was there went suddenly missing. 

Solace and warmth and you— pretty much the same. I ran to your arms to feel what home feels like from a person's embrace and I had to simply look at you to console my troubled heart. You were my happy place for a while. I saw your heart in numerous unfathomable ways no one else did. You opened yourself to me like I was an old, familiar soul in your life; spoke to me in your own language, and let me into your world without I having to forget about my own universe. I have always wondered what it is in you that made love so warm and beautiful and possible for such a short, remarkable season. You made it feel like it was always the first kiss, like it was always the first hug, like it was always the first date, like it was always the first in everything. 

See? It was actually not difficult to fall head over heels for you. You made loving every bit of you so easy. I could go on and on and talk about the stars and music and words and the things I love so effortlessly, and end up proudly reciting a monologue about all the goodness I see in you.

But like all great things, we must come to an end. We fell apart— not the slow burden type, rather one that is rapid and punishing and excruciating. Seven months after and, here I am, still crazy wondering why. Some nights, I still get haunted by so many what if's and memories of what could have been if only we did what should have been. Other nights, I had to comfort myself with self-sufficing explanations because I am probably never getting answers from you ever. But most nights, I just prayed for strength and patience so I can still hold on a little bit longer to what we were and what we could have been, even if it meant hoping for something I once thought was worth it and waiting for something that is coming not anytime soon. 

I was not the kind to give up easily on someone who made my days brighter and lonely days bearable, especially not on you. But I was already too exhausted to survive a battle I started that was not supposed to exist in the first place. I got sick waiting for you to do the right thing. I got tired of making excuses for the things you did and failed to do. For what it's worth, I am letting it all go now. I am finally letting you go.

You were my 2018, love, and I can't thank you enough for it. It is quite embarrassing to admit that you were not just a mere highlight but also actually very much all of it. The year that was has been mostly and literally all about you and how much you made me genuinely happy even my eyes beam of it; and about how much you broke my heart and soul even the creases in my forehead ache whenever I go mad thinking where it went wrong. It was a bit awful and unforeseen what happened to us but, strangely and to be quite honest, I would be forever damned if we didn't happen at all. 

Ours was ephemeral, but it was sweet and blissful and romantic. It was a love that went downhill so incredibly fast without warning; I drowned from it. But, it was real, and I felt it in ways more than one. It was the kind of happy I never knew I wanted and needed so badly. For these, and many inexplicable and unfathomable reasons more, I am truly, absolutely— and still— eternally grateful. 

Knowing you totally changed my life forever. Best believe I will still keep the version of you that is wonder and love and kindness because that is how I would want to remember you for always. I am still rooting for you and your dreams. I am still behind you silently cheering for you. Wherever you are and whatever you do in this lifetime, I hope you are always well and happy. As long as you are, I am too.  

You will always hold a special place in my heart, Bab. Until we meet again. 
                                              
featured

Damn, 2018.

December 29, 2018
2018 was crazy wild.

 The extreme polarity of this year, including all the sudden paradigm shifts in between, was insane and, literally, too much and a lot. I did not know exactly how I took it all in; how exactly my weak and crumbling heart handled it. Tough. Through what seemed to be the most emotionally unstable season of my young life by far, I find it amusing and mostly unbelievable that I am actually here— wounded, but still graciously celebrating the glorious ending of the year that was. Still grateful. Still hopeful. 

I lived for the finite streak of huge ups that had me incredibly joyful and genuinely peaceful. I was once a hopeful romantic generously sharing my life and love to the world and my universe; purposefully living and vividly dreaming to my heart's content. Life then was quiet, but it was abundant. And sweet. And blissful. The idea of love and friendship and passion all coming together— like warmth and home, music and words, and finally you and I— is now a tangible, noble reality. 

Yet, no sooner had I began fully indulging the adventures in regular mornings and seeking tranquility in silent sunsets than it started to fall apart. I protected it like a child but it still found an exceptional way to slip through my fingers. Tidal waves of crashing downs drowned my broken bones, slowly, and then everything all at once. It felt frozen and numb and cold on my insides, a different kind of sadness that had never kicked-in before. Surprisingly, that grief and despair had kept me going.

I reaped strength from my everyday little battles with the world and with myself; with my heart and with my head— sometimes winning, sometimes losing— but always gracefully coming through. I unknowingly nurtured this once tiny and empty seed of courage because of all the massive leaps of faith I have boldly taken and all the risks I was uncertain about but willingly gambled with. I sought a renewed faith from a love lost and the rare few who shed light and hope and warmth when I was lacking. 

See, if I had skipped the heartaches and drama and the mess, I would also have missed  this strange opportunity of growth and healing. I would have missed this chance of truly gratifying the people who got my back since day one and through it all. If I had known better, I would have missed some of the best days of this year and the greatest lessons it gifted. It was all worth it after all. 

2018 was a blessing in so many ways and it takes a grateful and humbled heart to appreciate that. Everything did work out well for me, maybe not in the way I hoped it would be, but always in the way I never thought I needed. I struggled long enough with my restless head before I finally realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be— right here, right now, right at this very moment— and I figured, I could not be anywhere else.

As I wrap this year up through this post, let me spread my thank you's to the very people who made this heaven and hell of a 2018 a year to remember for always. Thank you for being there through my huge ups and crashing downs; for believing and staying when I can no longer carry the baggage on my own. Thank you for being my sunshine; my laughter; the light at the end of the tunnel; the golden pot at the end of the rainbow. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart and soul with me; for being home to me when I could not find myself and I had nowhere to run back to and no one to rest my mind and soul to. I've powered it through this year mainly because of you.

 With strength, courage, and faith — 2019, I am slaying you. 
featured

YOU ARE MY STAR

November 15, 2018

When love died, I set it out in the universe— in the infinite meadows of light and cosmic dust; in the cold, deep faces of heaven; and in the calm, glorious shadows of the moon. I let it wander the orbits of listless planets and collide with rocks and angel mists, until it finally explodes and spontaneously breaks out of its rigid walls. I spread it out too thickly like a ravaging wildfire, able to radiate its warmth far and wide, and silently reach the vast spaces between the stars. 

I built it a monument in the celestial sphere where it settled and found its peace, a promised eternity after death. It is now part of the gleaming tapestry of stars, an unnamed constellation but with a familiar glow vividly painted by you, gracing my earth with its remaining luminous night after night. 

You are my star, the kind that appears one night in a thousand years. A borrowed hope from a wounded fate, I held you so tightly in my bare and grateful palms, fervently praying our light and dreams and love never slip through my fingers. But I can only hope to keep its glow safe in my pockets, because like ashes to which human breath returns, I had to give it back to where it rightfully belongs— to the skies where it will never rust; to the universe where it will always ablaze; and to the heavens where it will live without end. 

Since then, I adored the solace of the night. Whenever I gaze upon the immeasurable glittering sky, it always feels like traveling in light years— remembering how once upon a time, that glitter was in your eyes and they were mine; beaming and flaring so beautifully, it held my spirits high. It crawled in my skin and crept in my bones; seeped through my veins, pierced straight through my heart, and dived right into my chambers; until it lovingly burned my soul — it was love. You are love, my sweetheart; and just like the most massive stars, ours was the shortest-lived. 

It climbed up the skies, traveled aimlessly, battled celestial wars, walked the infinite and the beyond, and finally sought its paradise. Love found an afterlife. In that galaxy, it will last— sprawling with gases and dust and countless stars— faded, yet somehow still burning bright, giving all what it had left to the skies, to stay there forever, never to face oblivion. 

How comforting it is to know that our love will always be here— still with the same flame, yet now tarnished with infinity, immortalized, and timeless— and all I have to do is look up and wait for the starry night. 
featured

MAHAL PA KITA

August 31, 2018

Mahal, 
isa pa.
Hindi pa sapat
ang oras at araw;
hindi pa tapos
 ang tadhana at langit;
hindi pa pagod
ang puso at isip.

Mahal,
kaya ko pa
maghintay,
at umasa,
at lumaban—
kahit mag-isa,
kahit wala na,
kahit talo na.

Mahal, 
ikaw pa rin
ang kahapon,
at bukas,
at ngayon;

ikaw pa rin
ang hinahanap,
at panalangin,
at pangarap;

ikaw pa rin
ang aking buwan,
at araw,
at bituin;

ikaw pa rin
ang tahanan 
at uuwian;
ang iiyakan
at hahagkan;
ang minahal,
at minamahal

Mahal,
dito lang ako
maghihintay,
at aasa,
at lalaban;
magmamahal,
at mas magmamahal—
nang mas tapat,
mas buo,
at mas totoo.

Mahal, 
isa pa.
Kaya ko pa.
Ikaw pa rin.
Dito lang ako.

Mahal pa kita.
featured

THE END?

August 16, 2018

It's 3AM and a bit lonely. Like how most sleepless nights have been for the past few weeks. Normally, this incredibly painful combination of solitary and agony would allow me to author the most personal and most heartfelt statements about grief and sorrow and longing and love. But tonight was entirely different.

Odd. I can not write about us.

Not that our story was meaningless. Nor did I forget about how it all began. It was utterly impossible not to recall that very night. I remember the first time you held my hand; how my sweaty, nervous palms perfectly clasped with yours, and how, for that very moment, everything became suddenly motionless. The only thing that mattered was you. I still remember the look in your eyes. That pair that speaks volumes right through you was my absolute favorite. It was difficult not to fall in love with that. Your smile that hooked my heart and soul had kept me going. I know all is well in the world because I have you.

I remember how I have always looked forward to running into your arms by the end of every week, only to tell you about the little, petty, scary, funny details of my everyday.  It was frustrating how much we miss each other as soon as we part ways. I was only either with you or waiting to be with you again. Time together, no matter how short and quick, consoled my troubled heart and made me forget of what was before you and me. Coming home to you have always felt like the world is ours, and ours alone. 

But I also remember clearly how it fell apart. I remember the exact day we stopped talking, and how, on the succeeding days, I silently pleaded all the stars and gods there are to hear your voice for one last time. I saw all of it crashed right in front of me. It was terrifying. Painful. Heartbreaking. Without fair warning, you were gone. I lost you, without knowing completely how and why, just like that.

It feels like only yesterday when this emotional roller coaster that is pure bliss and sudden bitter downfall happened. See, it is impossible to not find the right words to write an ode to a man I have loved and lost. It could go a long stretch, to be honest. But with this deafening silence, with this lonesome, with this heavy heart, and with this hopeless desire, I choose to not seek the words that fit. Just not yet. 

I can write endings. But clearly, I still could not start phrasing ours. I want the perfect words to flow from a grateful and humbled and learned heart, and not from a heart that is still aching and breaking and hurting. I want our ending written painfully beautiful, one that is still grounded in love. In gratitude. In hope. 

I can not write about us. Just not yet. For until now, for what it's worth, I still end our story with baka pwede pa. 

I just need a little more time to have the courage to catch the words floating in mid-air. Let me first gather my excess feelings I left all over the place. Maybe just a few more weeks— a few more days— to heal myself and finally accept the truth that this could have been a story that deserves to have a better ending; but now it is a story probably best to end this way. That the next time I would sit down and pen the mere possible joyful endings, all of those are just entries to what could have been and what we would never be. 
A-List

10 Things I Learned in my Three Years of College

August 12, 2018
taken during the Thomasian Welcome Walk 2015

 1. 24 hours a day and seven days a week is never enough when you enter college. Academic work, unfortunately, requires a lot of our personal time. Worse, it sometimes asks for our weekends, too— the only family and leisure time we can relish— just to meet our deadlines. It can really be overwhelming but you just have to know how to manage your time wisely and properly so you can get things done promptly, and still have more days for yourself, family, and friends.
TIP: Keep a journal. Make it a diary-planner. It helps B I G T I M E that you get to track the things you have to accomplish. Plan your weekly agenda thoroughly.  Schedule it out. Write down important dates— trust me, you will be reminded constantly of your deadlines if you see them written down or posted in one corner of your study area. Your planner can be your step one to not cram and procrastinate everything. 

Also, make this an account of your college experiences. Write about the event you attended. Spill out what happened at last night's affair. Or bullet down the good things about your day. It is nice that you have fun, memorable moments to look back to during the times college gets stressful and less enjoyable. You will be glad when you try to flip a few pages back and read about the little details from last month. It comes handy!


2.  Set your priorities straight. It is exhilarating knowing you are on your own now, living the city life at its best, and enjoying the youth that is you. However, the fact still remains that you are in the university for a reason. Your studies is still your topmost priority for now. Learn to say "no" to late night hangouts when you have exams the following day. Read your books if you must. Review your lessons if you should. Make sure you have accomplished everything that is required to be finished before you decide to do things outside academics. There is always time for your leisure, anyway.
TIP: If you are aiming for that Laude medal just like I am, I say, you should not overlook the first semesters of your college years. First year college counts a lot! Start persevering and working hard right  N O W ! 


Also, one thing I practice since first year college that had basically saved me almost every semester is to exert my 100% effort during the prelim period. I endure the busy days, sleepless nights, and hard work as early as the first months of the semester to achieve my target grades. If you have an excellent foundation, trust me, there is no way you would fail. You will know it when your grades are already enough to reach your goal GWA, and that is when you can be a little chill and less stressed come final period. 


3. Unwind. College can be really, really stressful. The amount of class work you have can sometimes be unbelievable and inhumane. But, do not let the academic stress devour you alive. Loosen up! Treat yourself, relax, and take care of your mental health! Studying will not feel like a burden if you don't put too much pressure on your head and still allow yourself to do the things you love doing. Catch-up with old friends once in a while. Eat good food. Get your nails done. Pamper yourself. Binge-watch your favorite series. Schedule a Friday night hangout with your block. Drink a lot, stay out late, and have a fun, solid night with them! Unwind— BUT do not go overboard. 
4. Learn to budget. It can be overwhelming handling a huge amount of money for the first time. There is nothing wrong spending all of it for your needs, but to splurge on your wants massively can be a problem. Don't spend your one week of allowance for three days only. You can't borrow money from friends all the time and be in debt your whole life. Do a little math, and be thrifty. Avoid overspending. Your little savings can be beneficial for emergency purposes. Also, the upside, you can plan a trip or schedule a shopping spree with your best friend knowing you have saved a good amount of money.

TIP: Try the 50-peso challenge that went viral online!
5. You can survive with only two or three friends in your circle. Trust me, you only need the truest, most understanding, and most honest support system to get through every single day of your college life. And if it means having only a few ones, you are still good to go! Choose very well the people you are going to include in your clique. The university life is already challenging enough; you need no more toxic individuals to add up to the struggles. We only want the people who will help us grow as a person— friends who will be extra patient with our shortcomings; friends who will be with us during unnecessary mental breakdowns; friends who will be there through our ups and downs; and friends who will support us with our dreams and aspirations.
6. It is okay to do things alone. There would be days when friends are not readily available to help you finish some tasks, or just not free to simply go out with you. During these very rare moments, I tell you, there is nothing wrong doing all of it alone. Eat out alone. Study in the library alone. Get pampered alone. Workout alone. Enjoy the company of yourself. You will be surprised at how, during most times, isolating yourself from the world and doing things by yourself is actually a lot more convenient than you thought it would be. Sometimes, all you need is a good and satisfying "me" time to achieve that inner peace.

7. High school friends will always breathe a new life into our sometimes humdrum college cycle. Do I really have to say more? When it gets too exhausting and highly draining, it would be really great to have your high school friends to run back to. Quite frankly, it is during the few, rare days we get to catch-up with these very people that we become kids again who care less about the world.
TIP: A perfect year-ender is with your best set of high school friends! You will realize how a lot have happened and how so much has changed, yet you remain to be the solid people you know from way back.



8. Explore and create connections. Sometimes, our passions and best interests cannot be fully developed by merely staying in the four corners of our classroom. Go out. Find the organization that fosters growth and showers you multiple opportunities of a lifetime. It's true when they say that the best learning experiences are almost always provided by these local and university-wide organizations. Also, you get to meet other people outside your block who have the same drive as you. If you are lucky, they can become family to you, too.
TIP: If you are from UST, check out TOMCAT and Tiger Media Network! THE. FREAKING. BEST! Both bring out the best of your abilities and make you competent individuals when it comes to events production and media broadcasting. *wink wink*



9. College is stepping out of your comfort zone. It is during college when we outgrow those childish habits and literally grow apart from people close to home. We become different people and grow into these more matured individuals who are now goal-driven. It might look scary at first, but then we realize that stepping out of our comfort zones is we getting closer and closer to our dreams.


10. Savour every moment of your college life. I am down to my last ten months in college and I would honestly just like to go back to my first year in the university. I was always in a rush to graduate but now that we are just counting months— days— I wished I had cherished more every moment from way back. I say, make the most of your stay in college. Aside from graduating with flying colors, personally, it is important, too, that you make memories you will treasure for the rest of your life. It may be exhausting and draining at most times, but don't let it get to you. College will, undeniably and without a doubt, still give you some of the best days of your life. With the freedom and all, you are sure in for a crazy, wild, fun, memorable ride— E N J O Y !