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2021

January 14, 2022


  

Grateful. Still. Like always. 

Looking back, there's too much and a lot that happened this year that I am not entirely sure if it was just a year; or it was just too much that my life literally changed all too suddenly. But now that I'm trying to wrap-up the year that has been — thinking about all the good things, best memories, warm days, happy places, and everything that made my 2021 a year — all too suddenly, everything that was the opposite seemed like a tiny dust in this grand spectacle; those that crushed me to pieces seemed insignificant and I couldn't even be bothered at all. Right now, with all sincerity, my heart only recognizes of love and light and gratitude. 

Here's to the year that was — the year when I've fully realized that I am truly surrounded with the best people in the world. So many people to thank, REALLY! My endless thanks goes to the family who constantly choose to be a family to me, and to the best friends in this planet who have become one most especially when I was yearning for one. I can't imagine getting through this year without their love, support, and guidance. To all of you, I owe you this year and I will thank you forever. 

Just like the calming waves, changing colors as they break upon the shore, rolling along without much effort, but keeps crashing and coming back to the sands no matter what — I'll face 2022 head on. Calm. Ever evolving. Always easy. Breaking, but definitely powering through with strength and love. 

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WOW — 2020!

January 03, 2021

Wow — 2020! This year was so terrible I feel like there's so much, yet ironically, also nothing happened for me. I tried looking back and it was honestly so difficult to think of anything outside the pandemic and the long lockdown and quarantine.

You see, the Bataan outing I've had with my solid high school barkada felt like years ago when it has only been just 11 months. That was January — could have been the worst because we were caught in a car accident on the way home (which still traumatizes me to this day), but the days that came after decided to be worse; so I guess, yup — that solid night is probably my best memory with friends this year. The next morning, like nothing so bad happened, it was already my first day on my current job. My life was all about it since then. 

The last normal thing I did before the pandemic was climbing twin mountains in Bulacan. That was March — my first ever hike — when I promised myself I'd start to see beautiful sunrises on top of mountains this year. But then, that was the first and last of 2020. The last memorable thing I did before we went on full lockdown five days thereafter. 

I turned 22 this year and had no proper celebration like what I've been planning in my head since February. People closest to me would know how much I look forward to every celebration and how I am always so eager to prepare and plan everything because it's the one day I get to gather my different circles of friends. I love it when I see everyone so comfortably drunk and laughing altogether as if they have known each other for so long. But I was deprived of such beautiful moment this year, and that makes me ultimately sad. It honestly feels like one year of my life was taken away from me defenselessly. I can only wish to turn back time just so I could make my 22nd year a bit more memorable as it should be.

The next months were blurry. Vague. The year went by slow and quick at the same time. I tried hopping from one bandwagon to another — made Dalgona coffee and miserably failed; learned how to bake like everyone else; tried every sushi bake online; splurged over unnecessary pretty things every grand sale day of the month; binge-watched and cried over every K-Drama I see on Netflix; and now I'm also almost done revamping my room. Were all of these my coping mechanisms? I think so. With the pandemic and the consequences of not being able to see my friends regularly, going through work stress and career crisis in my own room, and my most important relationships falling apart right before my eyes — those truthfully helped me and kept me sane one point or another. 

But, still, the days were lonely. Terrible. Difficult. 

Then, I found Bangtan — brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. It was a complete turnaround for me. I don't expect people from outside to understand. It's unreal, but also so genuine at the same time. Nothing had healed me like they did. They saved me from my own demons, my heartbreaks, and from all the crazy the pandemic has brought upon me. The lonely days suddenly felt bearable. Some friendships dissolved along the way; but also because of BTS, I rekindled a few relationships and found new friends to share this pure love with. 

This year changed me in a lot of ways, too. The way I think, how I react, how I handle things, the decisions I make, the kind of energy I allow in my life, my pains, the happiness I choose to have — all of it drastically changed in such a short amount of time. I'm not entirely sure if these are effects caused by the pandemic as well; but, certainly, it forced me to live a totally different life. The hardships and heartbreaks that I willingly chose to silently deal with have molded my character today; redefined how I come face to face with my own battles; and allowed me to know myself better in a lot of aspects. With everything that happened, I just know, at the very least, in one way or another, I grew up. And I have been better. 

Thankfully, 2020 also gifted me with wonderful people whose very presence comforted me in times of sorrow and difficulties. As I look back, as much as I love resolving things on my own, certain people still made sure I don't go through it alone — they who have constantly loved me and cared for me and valued me in ways more than one. They are 2020's best blessings to me. They are absolutely the same people I'll take care of and keep in my life for a long time. 

Today, I think about these things. I would want to be a hundred percent genuinely grateful because my biggest blessing this year is that I'm healthy and alive and my family is far from sick. But there is this selfish, insensitive part of me that isn't, that I couldn't just simply ignore; because I know that it could have been different. It could have been better. 

Trust me, I also hate how privileged all of this sounds. But, I would just like to finally speak of these things, and validate my personal struggles before I fully let go of this year — just once, here in my safe space. I am completely aware of how hard it was for others and I couldn't even imagine putting myself in their shoes. But, it was a struggle for me, too — and I have to acknowledge it at the very least. I promised to live a little kinder everyday; to sympathize and empathize and be as compassionate as I can to others; that I tend to forget how important it is to care for and be kinder to myself also. I know we all faced battles this year; yours and others were probably way more difficult than mine. But it doesn't make mine less of a struggle. As for me, this has been the toughest season of my life; and just this time, for the sake of my peace, I won't invalidate it any longer.

The world stopped for me this year. All too suddenly and without fair warning. Everything changed for me. My daily life. My relationships. My usual. My dreams. My goals. It was so hard to take in all at once, but I had to; because accepting it is the best choice and is the only way to move forward. 

That's just it for me and my year-end note.

Thank you to my family and my best friends for keeping me sane and for your constant effort to make me feel loved. 

To my OT7, you are honestly the best thing that happened to me this year. 

I'm just ready to finally end and let go of this year. It was truly a lot. There's nothing more to say so I would like to end this with — good fucking bye, 2020. 
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Hello, New Decade!

January 18, 2020

Dear Self, 

It has been an amazing year for you. You've finally graduated college, got your first job and quit three months after (right decision, by the way), watched beautiful sunsets by the beach with the most important people in your life in many different occasion, went out of the country for the first time, healed, found your peace, and had incredibly fallen in love with your family. 2019 is hard to top, if I had to be honest. 

But when and if you think about it you are already living your best life — I tell you, your life is just beginning. 

A new decade has rolled upon your eyes and my only hope is that you use wisely the brand new chances right before you to open doors of opportunities; and that you maximize them all while notably spending the time you'd be generously given with good, kind-hearted, positive, and loving people. 

I wish for your GROWTH — for there could be no better time to allow yourself to dream vividly, fulfill your heart's desires, and live purposefully than now. I hope you find clarity and seek what you genuinely want; your life goals, your ultimate dreams, and your true intentions. I want to see it through your hopeful eyes and watch you chase them one by one with a courageous heart. 

I hope you be FEARLESS enough to get out of the rut you've been stuck in since who knows when. That is not your sanctuary. This year, I hope you trust yourself more and listen carefully to what your heart is saying — for in so many cases, what your chambers are whispering are almost always right. I hope you go for it, whatever it is that you want, because so many chances were already lost just because you didn't believe in yourself enough. Please don't repeat the same mistake this year. 

I hope you are STRONG enough to embrace wholeheartedly the many ups and downs that come with this crazy transition phase. It is difficult and you had a slight fair share of it last year. It is going to be harder now but I do hope you become independent and start living like an adult. Learn to do things on your own and by yourself. Spend wisely. Take care of your finances. Work hard. Eat healthy. Stand up for yourself. Make decisions by yourself. There would be countless times of rejections, multiple questions of self-doubt, and many episodes of pain, losses, and heartbreaks. But I do hope you conquer all of them with a gallant heart and that you come out of it even braver, wiser, stronger, and kinder than the woman the past two decades have shaped you. 

I hope you STAY COMMITTED enough to finish whatever you decide to start. You get so enthusiastic and get so deeply involved with a project that you put so much of your energy building it; only to leave it so easily and jump into a new one once the opportunity arises. It has always been your struggle and it is ugly. I hope you work it out this year. I wish you work only with the best interests at heart and that you allot your energy on the right things only. Never lose your drive and keep that passion burning. I hope you persevere more until half-baked results reach its fruition. 

I hope you write more because it is only through words that you find and achieve your peace. This is your solace and you need this to keep yourself together amidst all the noise. No matter how nonsensical the lines would seem or how repetitive the sentiments are, keep writing. These spaces are not going to judge you. You need your quiet moments, too; so rest if you need to and allow your heart to talk. 

I hope you start planning your future. 2020 is that single step that will lead to a thousand other journeys. It literally feels like bering reborn, but this time around, you are learned and much better with a rational thinking and humbled heart to start over, start living, and start doing things right for your future. And you owe it to yourself 10-15 years from now to live a happy, fruitful, and purposeful life. 

I hope you start ticking things off in your bucketlist. I hope you visit cities you've never been to. I hope you taste exotic cuisine from all over the world. I hope you see glorious sunsets. I hope you start living healthily to last 80 more years on earth. I hope you do all these things in 2020, all while making memories of a lifetime and sharing these experiences with the people who truly matter. 

This will be a meaningful season of learning for you. Be patient and just take it all in. I am positive that you are about to do something crazy good and amazing and the world will never be ready for it. 

Everyone else is rooting for you. You can do it. 


xx, 
AMYD
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BELLA CIAO, 2019!

January 10, 2020
Hey. I'm back. And, ironically, for a bittersweet parting note. 

I have all the words to write a thoughtful year-end post; but it took me long enough, exactly a week after the new year officially knocked in, to finally sit down and wrap-up the year that was. If I am being completely honest, I was not ready to put an end to such an amazing, wonderful year. And I feel like putting it out here for you, my little universe, to read and see actually means my 2019 literally (and officially) ending right before my eyes. 

I did not want 2019 to end. I knew it when the holiday rush came along and I could not, in any way, convince myself enough to join everyone else who was counting down to the last few days of the decade. I was just there — silent, but with a hundred thoughts running in my head, and feeling all sorts of possible things — happy and sad and fulfilled and anxious all at the same time, while scouring through tangible memories this year had generously bestowed upon me. It was HUGE. And special. And grand. Amazeballs, as I'd like to coin it — is what my 2019 has mostly been. 

It is my favorite year of all because what I consider the best highlights of my life by far seemed coincidentally yet perfectly timed to transpire all in one year. For one, I finally earned my bachelor's degree with a rightfully and, as I'd like to believe, a well-deserved Latin honor. Nothing can ever compare to seeing my parents — my rock and pillars of strength standing right beside me on that graduation stage of June 1st — joyful and immensely proud of a bronze medal and a diploma that is worth years and years of hard toil. Should I mention how my last six months in the academe, in a university I have truthfully loved since the beginning, were as memorable as I'd imagined it in my head. My best friend and I defended our thesis with zero revisions; I wrote my first screenplay ever; I pitched campaigns in front of the class for the last time; I was anchor for a sports newscast for my last production work ever; I ate so much of our staple college food Angkong and still had drunken school nights as per usual during my last few weeks in UST; and finally walked down the graduation aisle together with the same faces I have grown to love every day since Freshman year. 

I entered the corporate world only two months after graduation. Just like how impulsive I am when it comes to a lot of things, I immediately said yes to my first job offer ever — on my first interview over an almost-20-minute phone call. I would have been thankful for the rare, wonderful opportunity but those days were true tests of time. I can still remember silently crying in the bus so strangers won't notice, at night before I go to bed, in front of my bathroom mirror while everyone was fast asleep, and almost always to my best friend on random voice calls or dinner dates. Meltdowns became quite normal and I've lived waiting and longing for the weekend. It felt like the longest three months of my life and getting out of it felt like the most liberating and best decision I've made in 2019. That short time felt like a totally different lifetime — it was so bad and lonely, I never want to relive any of it longer.

But other than this tragic episode that absolutely lacked joy and upsides, the rest of the year was fruitful. 

I traveled places in 2019. I went to Caleruega with my home block for a quiet time of soulful reflection. The bus ride and game nights were hard to forget. Tagaytay was a usual, but our weekend getaway the past year was something else. Maybe because the weather is a perfect cold and it was the mother's side of the family whom we are sharing coffee and waffles and bulalo with. I had a couple of beach trips, too. I went to La Union with my college best friends, our very first out of town trip together. I surfed, picked grapes, explored its northern side, and happily devoured some of Elyu's bests. I loved that trip so much! We also spent the quick Halloween break at Subic. I didn't think I needed a break; but, as it turns out, a short time away from the city together with the people who matter most to me is all and everything I need to regain the positive energy.

The family went back to Boracay, an island so close to our hearts, to celebrate some of the most important dates in our June family calendar. I was only 14 when I first visited the island and I fell in love with it instantly. After so many years, I still feel the same about it. For me, nothing came close to the fine white sand, clear waters, and deep jaded seas this long stretch of Boracay beach boasts of. Even sundown in Boracay is beyond words. I've watched a couple of beautiful ones in my lifetime, but the sun sets gloriously in this island.  I saw how the sun painted the sky so majestically— pink and orange clouds running seamlessly through lavender skies— while listening to the calming sound of crashing waves. No wonder so many people from across the world go crazy in this paradise. I wish to live here forever and watch Boracay sunset all my life. I would go back in a heartbeat, no questions asked. 

In November, I went out of the country for the first time with my best friend in the world — and it had to be in South Korea, just because. It was the last stretch of autumn then. If we arrived a week later, we would have missed the season. The weather was freezing cold, but I still dared walk around wearing a hanbok. It was the most Korean thing I ever did. We explored cities until negative-degree midnight; until our feet got sore and it was our eyes that wanted to shut off. We ate a lot in Seoul. We had coffee, banana milk, gyoza, and gimbap for breakfast; while galbi, authentic Korean barbecue, chicken, and soju became staples for dinner. Nami was beautiful, even if the trees were almost barren and it lacked the majestic Fall colors I've seen in photographs. It was still glorious. Myeongdong was crowded but it had the best tteokboki and fish cakes and the variety of street food and skin care products seemed endless. Hongdae was youthful with all its bright lights and loud music and vibrant people. We had little adventures, too, in different parts of the urban. We climbed up N Seoul; took photos with the lovelocks; rode cable cars; sled tirelessly at Pyeongchang; got lost in subways and train stations; looked for Bok Chicken and fangirl-ed over Kim Bok Joo; and finally rode Gyro Drop which has long been in my bucketlist. I could go on and on and blabber about all the good things that happened, but let me leave it at: Korea was incredible. 

It was an amazing year, as I'd relentlessly say, and I have to give credit to the people in my life who took a massive part in making it the best one yet. I boast of my high school squad whom for five years now have been solid than ever and remains to be the true best until today; of my best girl friends who celebrated my successes as if it was theirs and have constantly stayed by my side through many episodes of heartbreaks and losses; of the best guy friends in the world who treat, love, and care for me like a princess and a little sister of their own; and of my family whose unconditional love embraced my soul and powered me through most of the year. I have always felt their love and warmth, and it is what sustained me throughout the year, especially during the many times I was lacking and needing. I have my favorite places now; more favorable days; and this most adored season because of their doing. They listened, took care of me, protected and defended me at all costs, loved me, believed in me, and supported me in so many occasions. I am and will always, always be grateful to be surrounded with such wonderful, kindhearted human souls. 

See? It was impossible not to fall so deeply in love with 2019. I loved it for everything it had and all that it was — the good days and bad, the little victories and failures, the places I've been, the people who stayed and the ties I've willingly cut, the little things and big moments, and all else in between. I still can't say I am living my best life right now despite the number of reasons I've laid down here, but this was a rewarding and meaningful season that 2019 will forever hold a special place in my heart. It would be so hard to completely let go of it but I am genuinely happy that I only have the best memories and only the best people to remember of the year that was. 

I literally don't know what's next for me, especially in this crazy phase of real adulting, but with the wonderful people behind me who have been constantly supporting and cheering me on, it feels like I am ready to conquer the world anytime soon. With that, bella ciao, 2019!

Here's to being kinder and braver. Here's to dreaming, loving, growing, and doing better. 2020, I am ready for you!

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Damn, 2018.

December 29, 2018
2018 was crazy wild.

 The extreme polarity of this year, including all the sudden paradigm shifts in between, was insane and, literally, too much and a lot. I did not know exactly how I took it all in; how exactly my weak and crumbling heart handled it. Tough. Through what seemed to be the most emotionally unstable season of my young life by far, I find it amusing and mostly unbelievable that I am actually here— wounded, but still graciously celebrating the glorious ending of the year that was. Still grateful. Still hopeful. 

I lived for the finite streak of huge ups that had me incredibly joyful and genuinely peaceful. I was once a hopeful romantic generously sharing my life and love to the world and my universe; purposefully living and vividly dreaming to my heart's content. Life then was quiet, but it was abundant. And sweet. And blissful. The idea of love and friendship and passion all coming together— like warmth and home, music and words, and finally you and I— is now a tangible, noble reality. 

Yet, no sooner had I began fully indulging the adventures in regular mornings and seeking tranquility in silent sunsets than it started to fall apart. I protected it like a child but it still found an exceptional way to slip through my fingers. Tidal waves of crashing downs drowned my broken bones, slowly, and then everything all at once. It felt frozen and numb and cold on my insides, a different kind of sadness that had never kicked-in before. Surprisingly, that grief and despair had kept me going.

I reaped strength from my everyday little battles with the world and with myself; with my heart and with my head— sometimes winning, sometimes losing— but always gracefully coming through. I unknowingly nurtured this once tiny and empty seed of courage because of all the massive leaps of faith I have boldly taken and all the risks I was uncertain about but willingly gambled with. I sought a renewed faith from a love lost and the rare few who shed light and hope and warmth when I was lacking. 

See, if I had skipped the heartaches and drama and the mess, I would also have missed  this strange opportunity of growth and healing. I would have missed this chance of truly gratifying the people who got my back since day one and through it all. If I had known better, I would have missed some of the best days of this year and the greatest lessons it gifted. It was all worth it after all. 

2018 was a blessing in so many ways and it takes a grateful and humbled heart to appreciate that. Everything did work out well for me, maybe not in the way I hoped it would be, but always in the way I never thought I needed. I struggled long enough with my restless head before I finally realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be— right here, right now, right at this very moment— and I figured, I could not be anywhere else.

As I wrap this year up through this post, let me spread my thank you's to the very people who made this heaven and hell of a 2018 a year to remember for always. Thank you for being there through my huge ups and crashing downs; for believing and staying when I can no longer carry the baggage on my own. Thank you for being my sunshine; my laughter; the light at the end of the tunnel; the golden pot at the end of the rainbow. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart and soul with me; for being home to me when I could not find myself and I had nowhere to run back to and no one to rest my mind and soul to. I've powered it through this year mainly because of you.

 With strength, courage, and faith — 2019, I am slaying you.