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2021

January 14, 2022


  

Grateful. Still. Like always. 

Looking back, there's too much and a lot that happened this year that I am not entirely sure if it was just a year; or it was just too much that my life literally changed all too suddenly. But now that I'm trying to wrap-up the year that has been — thinking about all the good things, best memories, warm days, happy places, and everything that made my 2021 a year — all too suddenly, everything that was the opposite seemed like a tiny dust in this grand spectacle; those that crushed me to pieces seemed insignificant and I couldn't even be bothered at all. Right now, with all sincerity, my heart only recognizes of love and light and gratitude. 

Here's to the year that was — the year when I've fully realized that I am truly surrounded with the best people in the world. So many people to thank, REALLY! My endless thanks goes to the family who constantly choose to be a family to me, and to the best friends in this planet who have become one most especially when I was yearning for one. I can't imagine getting through this year without their love, support, and guidance. To all of you, I owe you this year and I will thank you forever. 

Just like the calming waves, changing colors as they break upon the shore, rolling along without much effort, but keeps crashing and coming back to the sands no matter what — I'll face 2022 head on. Calm. Ever evolving. Always easy. Breaking, but definitely powering through with strength and love. 

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WOW — 2020!

January 03, 2021

Wow — 2020! This year was so terrible I feel like there's so much, yet ironically, also nothing happened for me. I tried looking back and it was honestly so difficult to think of anything outside the pandemic and the long lockdown and quarantine.

You see, the Bataan outing I've had with my solid high school barkada felt like years ago when it has only been just 11 months. That was January — could have been the worst because we were caught in a car accident on the way home (which still traumatizes me to this day), but the days that came after decided to be worse; so I guess, yup — that solid night is probably my best memory with friends this year. The next morning, like nothing so bad happened, it was already my first day on my current job. My life was all about it since then. 

The last normal thing I did before the pandemic was climbing twin mountains in Bulacan. That was March — my first ever hike — when I promised myself I'd start to see beautiful sunrises on top of mountains this year. But then, that was the first and last of 2020. The last memorable thing I did before we went on full lockdown five days thereafter. 

I turned 22 this year and had no proper celebration like what I've been planning in my head since February. People closest to me would know how much I look forward to every celebration and how I am always so eager to prepare and plan everything because it's the one day I get to gather my different circles of friends. I love it when I see everyone so comfortably drunk and laughing altogether as if they have known each other for so long. But I was deprived of such beautiful moment this year, and that makes me ultimately sad. It honestly feels like one year of my life was taken away from me defenselessly. I can only wish to turn back time just so I could make my 22nd year a bit more memorable as it should be.

The next months were blurry. Vague. The year went by slow and quick at the same time. I tried hopping from one bandwagon to another — made Dalgona coffee and miserably failed; learned how to bake like everyone else; tried every sushi bake online; splurged over unnecessary pretty things every grand sale day of the month; binge-watched and cried over every K-Drama I see on Netflix; and now I'm also almost done revamping my room. Were all of these my coping mechanisms? I think so. With the pandemic and the consequences of not being able to see my friends regularly, going through work stress and career crisis in my own room, and my most important relationships falling apart right before my eyes — those truthfully helped me and kept me sane one point or another. 

But, still, the days were lonely. Terrible. Difficult. 

Then, I found Bangtan — brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. It was a complete turnaround for me. I don't expect people from outside to understand. It's unreal, but also so genuine at the same time. Nothing had healed me like they did. They saved me from my own demons, my heartbreaks, and from all the crazy the pandemic has brought upon me. The lonely days suddenly felt bearable. Some friendships dissolved along the way; but also because of BTS, I rekindled a few relationships and found new friends to share this pure love with. 

This year changed me in a lot of ways, too. The way I think, how I react, how I handle things, the decisions I make, the kind of energy I allow in my life, my pains, the happiness I choose to have — all of it drastically changed in such a short amount of time. I'm not entirely sure if these are effects caused by the pandemic as well; but, certainly, it forced me to live a totally different life. The hardships and heartbreaks that I willingly chose to silently deal with have molded my character today; redefined how I come face to face with my own battles; and allowed me to know myself better in a lot of aspects. With everything that happened, I just know, at the very least, in one way or another, I grew up. And I have been better. 

Thankfully, 2020 also gifted me with wonderful people whose very presence comforted me in times of sorrow and difficulties. As I look back, as much as I love resolving things on my own, certain people still made sure I don't go through it alone — they who have constantly loved me and cared for me and valued me in ways more than one. They are 2020's best blessings to me. They are absolutely the same people I'll take care of and keep in my life for a long time. 

Today, I think about these things. I would want to be a hundred percent genuinely grateful because my biggest blessing this year is that I'm healthy and alive and my family is far from sick. But there is this selfish, insensitive part of me that isn't, that I couldn't just simply ignore; because I know that it could have been different. It could have been better. 

Trust me, I also hate how privileged all of this sounds. But, I would just like to finally speak of these things, and validate my personal struggles before I fully let go of this year — just once, here in my safe space. I am completely aware of how hard it was for others and I couldn't even imagine putting myself in their shoes. But, it was a struggle for me, too — and I have to acknowledge it at the very least. I promised to live a little kinder everyday; to sympathize and empathize and be as compassionate as I can to others; that I tend to forget how important it is to care for and be kinder to myself also. I know we all faced battles this year; yours and others were probably way more difficult than mine. But it doesn't make mine less of a struggle. As for me, this has been the toughest season of my life; and just this time, for the sake of my peace, I won't invalidate it any longer.

The world stopped for me this year. All too suddenly and without fair warning. Everything changed for me. My daily life. My relationships. My usual. My dreams. My goals. It was so hard to take in all at once, but I had to; because accepting it is the best choice and is the only way to move forward. 

That's just it for me and my year-end note.

Thank you to my family and my best friends for keeping me sane and for your constant effort to make me feel loved. 

To my OT7, you are honestly the best thing that happened to me this year. 

I'm just ready to finally end and let go of this year. It was truly a lot. There's nothing more to say so I would like to end this with — good fucking bye, 2020. 
BTS

PROLOGUE: BANGTAN

November 22, 2020

Sometimes, I try to comprehend this love I have for BTS — where it's coming from, why it just keeps growing, and how possible it is to feel this much. It sounds crazy but they were the friends I had when I needed someone to listen to my truths and fears. 

I remember how much I struggled with my friendships and career this year; all of it happening while dealing with the pandemic. I had to take it all in and act as if everything was perfectly fine; just because. I had to live with the monsters in my head that I created myself. Sometimes, I feel like they're eating me alive, but I refused to ask for anyone's help because I didn't want to add up to anyone's struggles anymore. 

Then, I FOUND BANGTAN. 

Healing from these things is never easy. More so, trying to do it alone. But with BTS, healing doesn't have to become so messy — thanks to their music, their story, their presence, their lives. Again, it sounds insane, but it was BTS who truthfully saved me from these unwanted monsters. They brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. 

I knew I needed someone to understand and it was their music that became my absolute consolation. It honestly felt like my fears were valid; and for the first time, it felt okay to be sad about something. Suddenly, it was okay to feel. 

I am happier and so much better now. But healing takes time and I am still on the process of fixing everything that was broken of me. It would have been tiring and difficult; but now, I look at it as a journey that will unfold countless better things for me when I reach its end. Now, I think less of the bad days and the sad memories. I only look forward to the good days and happy memories that are waiting for me. 

People from outside will never understand this incredible, wonderful, overwhelming love for Bangtan and how it had changed my life one way or another; that's why besides finding them and their beautiful, heartfelt, meaningful music, I am so glad to have found friends to share all of this with. I mean, reconnecting friendships that go way back elementary; mending broken relationships; bridging the distance between PH and USA; and finding someone who felt like a soul sister BECAUSE OF BTS! I think that's beautiful. 

To YOU who is reading this right now, I truthfully hope that you get to meet these amazing people, too, one day — in the most perfect time, in YOUR right time — just like I did. And if you already did, welcome to my space that will most probably be talking a lot about them now. Let's share this love for a long, long time!


16th April

A BIRTHDAY NOTE

April 16, 2020


Trust this finds you well — safe and sane at the comforts of your home, with the people you love so dearly, in this difficult and frightful time the whole world is going through right now. It's not even close to how you imagined this day would be, but it could have been worse. It may sound selfish to want to forget everything for a while; but I sincerely hope you give yourself this one day, at the very least, to experience a bit sense of normalcy in this pandemic and openly remember how rewarding the last two decades have been. 

Today, you are 22. And it's worth celebrating. 

Celebrate the many different versions of yourself throughout meaningful seasons — how you watched each one slowly die, with an earnest mind and gallant heart, to blossom more beautifully; and how you have humbly carried with you little pieces of yourself in multiple phases of your life so that you could grow and become the person you are now. 

Celebrate your brave heart that keeps you grounded, faithful, and hopeful — how you are unafraid to speak and do things always with and for love; how you weathered unbelievable cases of heartbreaks and losses, but still know of kindness and forgiveness; and how you patiently wait for the things you have no control over to perfectly fall into place.

Celebrate your restless, youthful spirit that knows of fearless living — how you champion the little things and make all of it matter at the end of the day; how you are always after opportunities of a lifetime and in constant search for new horizons; and how you tirelessly chase your dreams by taking one huge leap of faith at a time. 

Celebrate your grace and grit; your peace, courage, and strength; your truths, dreams, and hopes — they brought you here, exactly where you are supposed to. 

Today, you are 22. I hope you are reminded that you are celebrated for the things you did and failed to do, and the woman you have become because of all of it. You are truly, deeply loved — for who you are and who you are not — by the people who take pride in knowing you, and whose lives, dreams, love, and warmth give your very existence its true meaning. 

Happy birthday. Live a long, fearless, purposeful, powerful life. 


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Hello, New Decade!

January 18, 2020

Dear Self, 

It has been an amazing year for you. You've finally graduated college, got your first job and quit three months after (right decision, by the way), watched beautiful sunsets by the beach with the most important people in your life in many different occasion, went out of the country for the first time, healed, found your peace, and had incredibly fallen in love with your family. 2019 is hard to top, if I had to be honest. 

But when and if you think about it you are already living your best life — I tell you, your life is just beginning. 

A new decade has rolled upon your eyes and my only hope is that you use wisely the brand new chances right before you to open doors of opportunities; and that you maximize them all while notably spending the time you'd be generously given with good, kind-hearted, positive, and loving people. 

I wish for your GROWTH — for there could be no better time to allow yourself to dream vividly, fulfill your heart's desires, and live purposefully than now. I hope you find clarity and seek what you genuinely want; your life goals, your ultimate dreams, and your true intentions. I want to see it through your hopeful eyes and watch you chase them one by one with a courageous heart. 

I hope you be FEARLESS enough to get out of the rut you've been stuck in since who knows when. That is not your sanctuary. This year, I hope you trust yourself more and listen carefully to what your heart is saying — for in so many cases, what your chambers are whispering are almost always right. I hope you go for it, whatever it is that you want, because so many chances were already lost just because you didn't believe in yourself enough. Please don't repeat the same mistake this year. 

I hope you are STRONG enough to embrace wholeheartedly the many ups and downs that come with this crazy transition phase. It is difficult and you had a slight fair share of it last year. It is going to be harder now but I do hope you become independent and start living like an adult. Learn to do things on your own and by yourself. Spend wisely. Take care of your finances. Work hard. Eat healthy. Stand up for yourself. Make decisions by yourself. There would be countless times of rejections, multiple questions of self-doubt, and many episodes of pain, losses, and heartbreaks. But I do hope you conquer all of them with a gallant heart and that you come out of it even braver, wiser, stronger, and kinder than the woman the past two decades have shaped you. 

I hope you STAY COMMITTED enough to finish whatever you decide to start. You get so enthusiastic and get so deeply involved with a project that you put so much of your energy building it; only to leave it so easily and jump into a new one once the opportunity arises. It has always been your struggle and it is ugly. I hope you work it out this year. I wish you work only with the best interests at heart and that you allot your energy on the right things only. Never lose your drive and keep that passion burning. I hope you persevere more until half-baked results reach its fruition. 

I hope you write more because it is only through words that you find and achieve your peace. This is your solace and you need this to keep yourself together amidst all the noise. No matter how nonsensical the lines would seem or how repetitive the sentiments are, keep writing. These spaces are not going to judge you. You need your quiet moments, too; so rest if you need to and allow your heart to talk. 

I hope you start planning your future. 2020 is that single step that will lead to a thousand other journeys. It literally feels like bering reborn, but this time around, you are learned and much better with a rational thinking and humbled heart to start over, start living, and start doing things right for your future. And you owe it to yourself 10-15 years from now to live a happy, fruitful, and purposeful life. 

I hope you start ticking things off in your bucketlist. I hope you visit cities you've never been to. I hope you taste exotic cuisine from all over the world. I hope you see glorious sunsets. I hope you start living healthily to last 80 more years on earth. I hope you do all these things in 2020, all while making memories of a lifetime and sharing these experiences with the people who truly matter. 

This will be a meaningful season of learning for you. Be patient and just take it all in. I am positive that you are about to do something crazy good and amazing and the world will never be ready for it. 

Everyone else is rooting for you. You can do it. 


xx, 
AMYD
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BELLA CIAO, 2019!

January 10, 2020
Hey. I'm back. And, ironically, for a bittersweet parting note. 

I have all the words to write a thoughtful year-end post; but it took me long enough, exactly a week after the new year officially knocked in, to finally sit down and wrap-up the year that was. If I am being completely honest, I was not ready to put an end to such an amazing, wonderful year. And I feel like putting it out here for you, my little universe, to read and see actually means my 2019 literally (and officially) ending right before my eyes. 

I did not want 2019 to end. I knew it when the holiday rush came along and I could not, in any way, convince myself enough to join everyone else who was counting down to the last few days of the decade. I was just there — silent, but with a hundred thoughts running in my head, and feeling all sorts of possible things — happy and sad and fulfilled and anxious all at the same time, while scouring through tangible memories this year had generously bestowed upon me. It was HUGE. And special. And grand. Amazeballs, as I'd like to coin it — is what my 2019 has mostly been. 

It is my favorite year of all because what I consider the best highlights of my life by far seemed coincidentally yet perfectly timed to transpire all in one year. For one, I finally earned my bachelor's degree with a rightfully and, as I'd like to believe, a well-deserved Latin honor. Nothing can ever compare to seeing my parents — my rock and pillars of strength standing right beside me on that graduation stage of June 1st — joyful and immensely proud of a bronze medal and a diploma that is worth years and years of hard toil. Should I mention how my last six months in the academe, in a university I have truthfully loved since the beginning, were as memorable as I'd imagined it in my head. My best friend and I defended our thesis with zero revisions; I wrote my first screenplay ever; I pitched campaigns in front of the class for the last time; I was anchor for a sports newscast for my last production work ever; I ate so much of our staple college food Angkong and still had drunken school nights as per usual during my last few weeks in UST; and finally walked down the graduation aisle together with the same faces I have grown to love every day since Freshman year. 

I entered the corporate world only two months after graduation. Just like how impulsive I am when it comes to a lot of things, I immediately said yes to my first job offer ever — on my first interview over an almost-20-minute phone call. I would have been thankful for the rare, wonderful opportunity but those days were true tests of time. I can still remember silently crying in the bus so strangers won't notice, at night before I go to bed, in front of my bathroom mirror while everyone was fast asleep, and almost always to my best friend on random voice calls or dinner dates. Meltdowns became quite normal and I've lived waiting and longing for the weekend. It felt like the longest three months of my life and getting out of it felt like the most liberating and best decision I've made in 2019. That short time felt like a totally different lifetime — it was so bad and lonely, I never want to relive any of it longer.

But other than this tragic episode that absolutely lacked joy and upsides, the rest of the year was fruitful. 

I traveled places in 2019. I went to Caleruega with my home block for a quiet time of soulful reflection. The bus ride and game nights were hard to forget. Tagaytay was a usual, but our weekend getaway the past year was something else. Maybe because the weather is a perfect cold and it was the mother's side of the family whom we are sharing coffee and waffles and bulalo with. I had a couple of beach trips, too. I went to La Union with my college best friends, our very first out of town trip together. I surfed, picked grapes, explored its northern side, and happily devoured some of Elyu's bests. I loved that trip so much! We also spent the quick Halloween break at Subic. I didn't think I needed a break; but, as it turns out, a short time away from the city together with the people who matter most to me is all and everything I need to regain the positive energy.

The family went back to Boracay, an island so close to our hearts, to celebrate some of the most important dates in our June family calendar. I was only 14 when I first visited the island and I fell in love with it instantly. After so many years, I still feel the same about it. For me, nothing came close to the fine white sand, clear waters, and deep jaded seas this long stretch of Boracay beach boasts of. Even sundown in Boracay is beyond words. I've watched a couple of beautiful ones in my lifetime, but the sun sets gloriously in this island.  I saw how the sun painted the sky so majestically— pink and orange clouds running seamlessly through lavender skies— while listening to the calming sound of crashing waves. No wonder so many people from across the world go crazy in this paradise. I wish to live here forever and watch Boracay sunset all my life. I would go back in a heartbeat, no questions asked. 

In November, I went out of the country for the first time with my best friend in the world — and it had to be in South Korea, just because. It was the last stretch of autumn then. If we arrived a week later, we would have missed the season. The weather was freezing cold, but I still dared walk around wearing a hanbok. It was the most Korean thing I ever did. We explored cities until negative-degree midnight; until our feet got sore and it was our eyes that wanted to shut off. We ate a lot in Seoul. We had coffee, banana milk, gyoza, and gimbap for breakfast; while galbi, authentic Korean barbecue, chicken, and soju became staples for dinner. Nami was beautiful, even if the trees were almost barren and it lacked the majestic Fall colors I've seen in photographs. It was still glorious. Myeongdong was crowded but it had the best tteokboki and fish cakes and the variety of street food and skin care products seemed endless. Hongdae was youthful with all its bright lights and loud music and vibrant people. We had little adventures, too, in different parts of the urban. We climbed up N Seoul; took photos with the lovelocks; rode cable cars; sled tirelessly at Pyeongchang; got lost in subways and train stations; looked for Bok Chicken and fangirl-ed over Kim Bok Joo; and finally rode Gyro Drop which has long been in my bucketlist. I could go on and on and blabber about all the good things that happened, but let me leave it at: Korea was incredible. 

It was an amazing year, as I'd relentlessly say, and I have to give credit to the people in my life who took a massive part in making it the best one yet. I boast of my high school squad whom for five years now have been solid than ever and remains to be the true best until today; of my best girl friends who celebrated my successes as if it was theirs and have constantly stayed by my side through many episodes of heartbreaks and losses; of the best guy friends in the world who treat, love, and care for me like a princess and a little sister of their own; and of my family whose unconditional love embraced my soul and powered me through most of the year. I have always felt their love and warmth, and it is what sustained me throughout the year, especially during the many times I was lacking and needing. I have my favorite places now; more favorable days; and this most adored season because of their doing. They listened, took care of me, protected and defended me at all costs, loved me, believed in me, and supported me in so many occasions. I am and will always, always be grateful to be surrounded with such wonderful, kindhearted human souls. 

See? It was impossible not to fall so deeply in love with 2019. I loved it for everything it had and all that it was — the good days and bad, the little victories and failures, the places I've been, the people who stayed and the ties I've willingly cut, the little things and big moments, and all else in between. I still can't say I am living my best life right now despite the number of reasons I've laid down here, but this was a rewarding and meaningful season that 2019 will forever hold a special place in my heart. It would be so hard to completely let go of it but I am genuinely happy that I only have the best memories and only the best people to remember of the year that was. 

I literally don't know what's next for me, especially in this crazy phase of real adulting, but with the wonderful people behind me who have been constantly supporting and cheering me on, it feels like I am ready to conquer the world anytime soon. With that, bella ciao, 2019!

Here's to being kinder and braver. Here's to dreaming, loving, growing, and doing better. 2020, I am ready for you!

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THAT SUNDAY

July 01, 2019

Last Sunday, I was back at our place. Your memories I thought I've already buried deep in my head resurfaced all too suddenly. The scars of our excruciating ending sting a bit. Surprisingly, a part of me still clearly remembers that day.

It was also a Sunday. I looked quite different. I still had my long, disturbing, black hair and still wore braces I wished were gone sooner. I am not sure if the streets then were quiet and empty, or it was just because I only laid so much of my eyes on you that I never noticed how we were walking in between the hustle and bustle of the city. On that particular day, we thought spontaneity could also be our thing. It could have been, I'm certain. 

 We set foot on new places for the first time together. It felt amazing— having been able to experience actual firsts with you. I was able to visit old, familiar sites but now with a hand to hold. That Sunday, I was all yours and you were all mine. It was a bit strange to have you hold me as if my bones would fall broken once you let go of it. You never not held my hands that day. You gently rubbed my skin with your fingers, clasped my tiny hands tighter, and gently kissed it whenever you had the chance. I held you just the same, or so I thought, but yours was always better in every way. You were effortless in all the things you do and I could not even in the slightest bit compare. Maybe that is why you let go of mine eventually. 

That weekend was clear and bright so we had a great view while eating lunch. I loved it. I ate chicken. You had ribs. I should have ordered the same as yours so you didn't have to share a slab or two with me. We both liked it so much. One thing we have in common is that we love eating, and food in general. I still remember our first date that involved a lot of salmon sashimi, our favorite. I also have fond memories of finishing family meals by ourselves and randomly going on Japanese eat-all-you-can as if being together was already reason enough for a buffet celebration on any day. That Sunday with you was equally priceless. I happily sat there in front of you, watched you relished and slowly smothered your smoked meat, and died a little when you genuinely smiled at me right after. I wish I could have that everyday. You looked at me like I was the most precious, most valuable person in your life at that time. At least, that's how I felt. 

We went to Church. I thanked God for the hundredfold of blessings— one of which is most absolutely you— and the many wonderful, incredible days because of you're doing. I talked to God about sunshine, solace, music, and warmth. I talked about you. That Sunday, I was sure of you. I was so certain I wanted all of you in full daylight and when half the globe is fast asleep. I wanted more of our early mornings, and waffles, and maple syrup. I wanted more of Marvel, stolen kisses, hand-holding, and cheesy romantic movies with you. I wanted more of our drunken and late nights all sealed with a kiss. I want a lot more of it.

 I secretly looked at you in between moments of silence. I want that forever. You were a living, breathing reminder that all is well in the world. It would not be the last of our little adventures, I told myself. I thought of the countless daydreams I've had of us trekking mountains, catching waves, and watching the moon and the stars at night by the beach. I've never been happier. I prayed to God I never have to lose you. Not ever.

That Sunday was fleeting. But it felt endless. I was recording every moment, as if I already knew those pieces would have been the only ones left of what was good. I caught you playing with the clouds. You looked so happy. I could literally watch you do it all day long and never get tired. I took a photo of the thick fog covering vast fields of green, and big cotton clouds chasing after each other, to forever remember the comfort of the cold and quiet time with you. 

I thought a lot about you and I. That Sunday, we were perfect together. You and I were under pink skies— I could not imagine such a moment with anyone else than you. It was beautiful. We had coffee, talked about the future, and watched sundown together. I wished that Sunday was forever. I had the road, the cold, the view, the golden hour, and all of you. I wished it had not ended so fast. I wish we didn't. 

 It was quiet on the way home. We listened to Michael Bublé. I had your arms wrapped around me. You wanted to stay a little longer. I wished you stayed forever. 

My love, I wish to tell the world we made it. But that Sunday and every other good memory of the short time we've been together is all what I have left. And a part of me will always remember. 

 Always. Even if you couldn't. Even if you wouldn't. 
AMventures

SALAMAT, UST!

June 04, 2019
I was always in a rush to graduate but now that the long haul has finally reached its end, I can only hope to have the past four years back and cherished every moment of it a lot more. I truly wish I could go back. But, time is up for me; and although college appeared and felt like it was quick and short, my heart is happy knowing I have incredibly spent it in every way I know how. For now, I will just fit myself in the tiny spaces between these parting words and squeeze myself in the beautiful, glorious memories of college I have carefully kept and preserved in the little compartments of my heart.

 Thank you for being home to me, my beloved, the Royal and Pontifical, University of Santo Tomas. I owe to you some of the best people I've met and some of the best things that happened in my life. Thank you for opportunities of a lifetime I had never imagined I'd be able to do and experience. Wherever I go, I will bring with me all the life lessons you have generously imparted and instilled in me. I will bleed black and gold forever dahil sa'yo at para sa'yo, USTe. Mahal kita. 

All the joys and sorrows, losses and triumphs, good days and bad of the past four years culminate in this one grand, joyous graduation day. I prayed so hard for this day— to finally wear that toga and walk down that stage with flying colors. Now that I am here and have successfully earned my bachelor's degree, I am nothing but grateful. More than the bronze hanging down my neck, the exams I aced, presentations I won, campaigns I perfectly delivered; it is the late nights and early mornings, booze and Angkong, meetings and daily whatnot, little things and big moments I've spent and shared with everyone which I am most thankful for. So now, allow me to dedicate this space to the very people who made my stay in UST more worthwhile than I could ever imagine.
To my dearest CA3, my home block, my pride and joy— I have learned to become a champion because of you. Thank you for four years of sweet, little victories. I am forever grateful that I played a part in all of it. I may not be able to speak of it every time, but it is indeed both my pleasure and honor to stand in front of anyone and represent the excellence that is you. The road to QPAV was tough and never easy, but going through the journey with all of you made it fulfilling. Congratulations, my CA3! I am proud of you all. I know we will go places, and wherever we end up in this lifetime, I will bring with me the legacy that we've built and the great memories we've had together. I can't wait to see you all succeed in the field we are most passionate of. I love you all and I am absolutely going to miss you. Hanggang sa muli. 

If there is one thing I've learned throughout college, it's this: True friendship doesn't count people.  To my favorite boys and girls, Alex, Rafa, James, Ck, and Jamie— you taught me that. I am so proud to have you all by my side. No words can ever express how grateful and happy I am that it is with you whom I've shared all of the requirement-completion, most of the production work, and some of the best days and nights of the past four years. I am thankful that we were able to witness each other's little successes and celebrate it altogether. Every single day with you is every moment of my life I will forever cherish. I have so much and a lot to say to each one of you but let me leave it at: I will choose honor call, dance crave, poin curse, satron paint, rove ranger, dack janiels, and all else in a heartbeat. *wink wink* You have me always. Mahal na mahal ko kayo. Sobra. 


To my college constants, my college best friends, Jamie and Ck— thank you for keeping up with the crazy that is my life. Thank you for being extra patient with my shortcomings; for staying during my unnecessary mental breakdowns; for being there through all of the highs and lows; for holding my hand during my ups and successes; and holding it even tighter during the many episodes of heartbreaks and losses. Thank you for supporting my dreams in every way you can. You don't know how much it meant to me. I am happy that I have the both of you to eat every lunch with and to run to at the end of every day, because you two are absolutely more than enough. You are the best souvenirs UST had given me. I love you. I am proud of you, Laude's!

Here is a special space for you my beshumz, my thesis partner, THE day one of all day one's— beshie, I love you. College is not college without you. If I had to go through all of it again, I'd still cross the football field with you on our first week in UST. Thank you for staying, Jamie. I got your back the same way you have mine. I can't wait for the time when we'd be so rich and we'd be able to travel the places we have just been dreaming and planning to go to together. Someday, besh!
Let me also share this space with my best(est) friend and my forever person— you are the best, Inky. I could not be more proud and happy that we are still by each other's side as we slowly fulfill and reach our dreams. From elementary to high school, and getting through college together just like how we imagined it to be! I would not want to share more of my growth and my every day with any other girl friend than with you, my sister puks! Here's to going places together. I love you!
AND OF COURSE. 

This milestone is a celebration of my Papa and Mama who have been my rock, my pillar, and my true strength in this lifetime. Everything that I am and all that I do is for these two. 


Mama and Papa, this is for you. You were the ones who first believed in what I can do and who I can be. That is all and everything I needed to keep going and to come this far. I love you with all my heart, Mama and Papa. One day, I'll bring you places and give you the world. I will never get tired of making you proud. 

It feels like it was only yesterday when I was too afraid to live independently away from home. Four years later, here I am, with a Bachelor's Degree in Communication Arts and with a rightfully earned Latin Honor. I am still clueless of the way forward and a bit terrified just thinking about how I would go on from here. But this is it. More of life and its beauty and mystery is waiting for me. I can't wait to take on the world and chase the things I love and dream about— for myself and for the very people who truly matter.


I'm out here living my best life, and it is truly just the beginning of it all. I am yet to do greater things and grow into the woman of purpose I've always wanted to be. Wherever these impossible roads lead me, I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. On to the next!

DIMACULANGAN, Archelle Mae Yambao
University of Santo Tomas
2015-08****
Faculty of Arts and Letters
Bachelor of Arts in Communication Arts

CUM LAUDE

16th April

I'M 21

May 07, 2019
I turned 21 three weeks ago. Wow, that's over two decades of a well-lived and painstakingly rewarding timeline here on earth. Also marks the end of my carefree and exciting youth, and the beginning of a much more exhilarating phase— the prime time, as I'd like to believe, where huge dreams can finally and slowly taste a bit of reality. 21, however, makes me so bewildered and frightened at the same time. Like all of the normally confused 20-something's out there, I'm also trying to figure out how to properly deal with all the responsibilities of true adulting, all while living the sensational times that come with this massive lifestyle change. Fret not, I've been an optimist as always. I take this aging so positively because I genuinely believe that getting a year older only means I've conquered another milestone in this lifetime and a bountiful outpour of blessings are about to come my way. 

My birthday this year falls on Holy Week, Tuesday. I had the whole day perfectly planned— a lunch out with my family, shopping, Church time, and the rest of the night enjoying the comforts of my bed all by myself. But even the flawlessly crafted plans are interfered by the unexpected. This time around, it came to me in forms of beautiful humans holding golden balloons in the kitchen. My college best friends, Jamie and Ck, were there! On the morning of my birthday. In my home. At Bulacan. On a Holy Week. They literally went the extra mile and traveled far and early to surprise me! I am so moved. 
My bouquet this year was notably different from the usual— it's edible! I only usually see this online but my extra special Jollibee bouquet was finally in flesh, in red wraps and thick white ribbons, all thanks to my best friends. Jamie's mom, who was always so thoughtful and sweet to me, baked me a moist and decadent three-layered chocolate fudge cake with my name and a big heart topper that is made of pure fondant, my favorite. I probably have eaten half of it by myself; it was that delicious.

Thinking about it, the day still went according to plan. But it became so much better than I've imagined it would be. Together with my best friends, we had lunch at Buffet 101 to officially celebrate my birthday. It was special for me because I'm treating everyone with my hard-earned money from a hosting gig I did back in March. The best thing I could give all of us is the luxury of unlimited cuisines. Of course, I didn't forget to spend some special time with the Lord. We went to Divine Mercy. I thanked God for another year. I can only be grateful for having an amazing family who is supportive of all my dreams and aspirations, incredible friends who got my back through all of the highs and lows, and multiple opportunities of a lifetime. I capped-off the night with some of the best guy friends in the world. No better way to end my birthday than with hard liquor, genuine talks, and boisterous laughter.

But that was not the end of it all. Absolutely not it. 

Knowing how my birthday last year was a solid one and a total blast, I could not let my 21st pass without celebrating it with the same people who made it so much memorable. Two weeks after my actual birthday, I held a small and simple house party to gather everyone closest to my heart. I am a true fan of mixing different groups of friends, and obviously, I especially love doing it on my birthday. I was so grateful and overjoyed seeing my friends from both of my high schools and my blockmates from the university got along so well. We literally looked just like one huge barkada who had history and had known each other from long ago.
Until now, I am at loss for the right words to describe the night that was, but there's one thing I'm certain of: I'm genuinely and truthfully happy that it just gets more solid and better every year. If last year was hard to top; well, this year rightfully earned to fight for the title in claiming itself as the best one yet. Sharing with you a few photos from that night and hoping these frames could help me translate all the fun, wasted moments we've had and how much great of a time it was. 


You can also peep through my Instagram highlights and see more photos and videos for yourself. 
Link to my Instagram account is on the top right corner of this page or scroll down below *wink*

And just like that... I'm 21! I have no more excuses for doing all the childish, petty, and foolish things I've been doing in the past. An entirely new chapter opens for me this year, and no matter how terrifying it looks to me right now, I am also very much excited to face it head on. Here's to hoping I get to celebrate more loving and fruitful years with very precious humans who nurture my soul and make me the best version of me. Happy birthday, self! 


16th April

TWO DECADES AND ONE

April 17, 2019
Here is what two decades worth of constant learning and growing and healing have made me— hopeful and optimistic and brave. Although sometimes troubled and weary, I take pride with my patient and gallant heart that is struggling to listen more, to love truly, and to live fully each waking day. I battled all those young years of my life with grace and grit, and have managed to come through every single time with and because of a decision to be fearless. 

21 years after and here I am. 

I know of fearless learning— that with growth comes bracing uncertainty; that wisdom is unraveled through time and the willingness to unfold life and the thrill of it all at a slow, unpredictable pace; that finding and knowing yourself truly happens only if you have lost yourself in the process and learned; and that real growth is actually nurtured by courage, fueled by pain, and powered by failures. 

I grow fearless of failures— fearless enough to graciously celebrate these endless cycles of defeat; and valiant enough to get back up, start over, try again, and turn tables around. Unlike this tiny human spectrum that voids itself of imperfections, I bravely acknowledge my own vulnerabilities and openly accept the fragile parts of me.

I am now fearless of pain— fearless enough to allow my tired and heavy heart to cry and be defenseless at times; and generously award it the chance to rest for all the battles it conquered and had barely survived. I know the countless risks I gamble with every time I put myself in the possible pitfalls of coming up with decisions I was unsure of; but still have daringly taken just because it could have been worth it. The world had hurt me, stabbed me, and crushed me with its harsh reality. My heart was betrayed too many times, but it didn't fail to heal time and again. It was bravery to fight through the pain; and there was strength to find the courage to fight again. 

I am made of fearless dreams— the huge, ambitious ones that drive me insane and give me an incredible, rapid rush of adrenaline by simply thinking about them. I've built these dreams in my head and placed all of it in my heart only with the sincere intent to fulfill them. Both clueless and enthralled, I could not wait any longer to take on the world— little by little, slowly, surely, and selflessly— together with the very people who truly matter. 

I dream of fearless living— that the most meaningful moments almost always happen as an aftermath of massive leaps of faith boldly taken; that life is only truly relished if lived here and now without regrets; that memories of a lifetime are merely bestowed upon humans with dauntless souls. I lust after ambiguity, the vague image of the future, and the surprises it holds, and the inexplicable pleasure of knowing much but not everything at all. 
I live for fearless loving— the kind of love that is honest and genuine and brave; a love so unconditional that is showers forgiveness to those who are not even apologetic; a love so fearless that it braves losing important people over and over again; a love so heroic that it wishes goodness and happiness even for those who have harmed and wronged me. 

I want MORE of this fearless loving— the kind of self-love that transcends fiascoes and wrongs; a love that further nurtures my growth; a love that functions well with the rational; and a love that empathizes rather than sympathizes. 

I still hope to be more fearless to stand for what is true; to live with integrity and by principles; to fully accept responsibility; and to always speak of truth no matter how difficult it appears to be. Constantly, I remind myself that my world— and my numerous versions of reality— needs and deserves more of my bravery, no matter how little and insignificant it is. And for the rest of my life, for the years I have yet to wander this earth, I swear to be fearless in all the right ways, even if the world asks me otherwise. 
AM everywhere

CALERUEGA

March 16, 2019

Caleruega was silent and serene, for starters. It was teeming with multitude hues of greens and picturesque views my naked eyes could possibly sight. Sunshine was always abundant; and although I expected it to be sunny and breezy, the heat of March was still bearable to pull-off an outfit that required my soiled and thick denim jacket. The silence was oddly good for someone like me who can't stand the quietness of the library. It was the kind that begged for time alone and soul reflection, whether it be during the middle of the day when the weather was scorching hot, or past midnight when the stars alight the pitch-black, cold night. 



Sunset at Caleruega was surreal. It always looked like the pink was fighting for its place in the sky, playing with the thin disappearing clouds right before the orange and golden hour. No photograph could give it justice. Days were long and quiet, I have to admit. But immediately after sundown, clock hands seemed to have a difficult time functioning. Nights felt absolutely longer. And they were totally the opposite of silence. The dark was filled with a lot of sneaky laughters from grown-up ladies on their pajamas playing like little orphan girls at the top bunk of the bed. I miss those nights already.


Caleruega showed me how hearts of true champions work. It added another glorious evening on the list; one that is surprising and entirely unexpected. Something that is filed under "a clutch winning performance accomplished with and because of CA3 magic." Let me leave it at: Gold shine just the same, wherever and whenever. *wink wink*
Caleruega had a chapel on the hill and provided a hanging bridge to get there. An added little crazy adventure on this trip down south meant five friends walking down long, dark, silent roads at five in the morning to witness a beautiful sunrise altogether. We paid our respects to Big J, and thanked Him for allowing us to share this experience with people who matter.


My temporary safe space served me perfectly right. It housed a great number of beautiful photos situated on almost every scenic corner of the place. It came with cups of brewed coffee most satisfying to share with my best friend. Also the best fix while I was reading heartfelt letters from people I truly love, all while trying to stop the happy tears welling in my eyes. My absolute favorite part. 


Truthfully speaking, Caleruega was mostly about friendship and love and genuinely appreciating everything else in between. I've kept a blind eye to relationships that deserve most of my soul and my heart; but this time away from the usual opened my eyes to what and who really matters. I left Caleruega with a gracious heart that goes to the very people who have been there for me literally through my joys and sorrows.

Caleruega gave me memories of a lifetime. Whatever I did in my past life to deserve these people who believe in me, love me truly, and are proud of me. I have everything I need to keep up with all the crazy ups and downs life throws at me. My heart is warm and full. 

'Til the next one, Caleruega!