16th April

A BIRTHDAY NOTE

April 16, 2020


Trust this finds you well — safe and sane at the comforts of your home, with the people you love so dearly, in this difficult and frightful time the whole world is going through right now. It's not even close to how you imagined this day would be, but it could have been worse. It may sound selfish to want to forget everything for a while; but I sincerely hope you give yourself this one day, at the very least, to experience a bit sense of normalcy in this pandemic and openly remember how rewarding the last two decades have been. 

Today, you are 22. And it's worth celebrating. 

Celebrate the many different versions of yourself throughout meaningful seasons — how you watched each one slowly die, with an earnest mind and gallant heart, to blossom more beautifully; and how you have humbly carried with you little pieces of yourself in multiple phases of your life so that you could grow and become the person you are now. 

Celebrate your brave heart that keeps you grounded, faithful, and hopeful — how you are unafraid to speak and do things always with and for love; how you weathered unbelievable cases of heartbreaks and losses, but still know of kindness and forgiveness; and how you patiently wait for the things you have no control over to perfectly fall into place.

Celebrate your restless, youthful spirit that knows of fearless living — how you champion the little things and make all of it matter at the end of the day; how you are always after opportunities of a lifetime and in constant search for new horizons; and how you tirelessly chase your dreams by taking one huge leap of faith at a time. 

Celebrate your grace and grit; your peace, courage, and strength; your truths, dreams, and hopes — they brought you here, exactly where you are supposed to. 

Today, you are 22. I hope you are reminded that you are celebrated for the things you did and failed to do, and the woman you have become because of all of it. You are truly, deeply loved — for who you are and who you are not — by the people who take pride in knowing you, and whose lives, dreams, love, and warmth give your very existence its true meaning. 

Happy birthday. Live a long, fearless, purposeful, powerful life. 


16th April

I'M 21

May 07, 2019
I turned 21 three weeks ago. Wow, that's over two decades of a well-lived and painstakingly rewarding timeline here on earth. Also marks the end of my carefree and exciting youth, and the beginning of a much more exhilarating phase— the prime time, as I'd like to believe, where huge dreams can finally and slowly taste a bit of reality. 21, however, makes me so bewildered and frightened at the same time. Like all of the normally confused 20-something's out there, I'm also trying to figure out how to properly deal with all the responsibilities of true adulting, all while living the sensational times that come with this massive lifestyle change. Fret not, I've been an optimist as always. I take this aging so positively because I genuinely believe that getting a year older only means I've conquered another milestone in this lifetime and a bountiful outpour of blessings are about to come my way. 

My birthday this year falls on Holy Week, Tuesday. I had the whole day perfectly planned— a lunch out with my family, shopping, Church time, and the rest of the night enjoying the comforts of my bed all by myself. But even the flawlessly crafted plans are interfered by the unexpected. This time around, it came to me in forms of beautiful humans holding golden balloons in the kitchen. My college best friends, Jamie and Ck, were there! On the morning of my birthday. In my home. At Bulacan. On a Holy Week. They literally went the extra mile and traveled far and early to surprise me! I am so moved. 
My bouquet this year was notably different from the usual— it's edible! I only usually see this online but my extra special Jollibee bouquet was finally in flesh, in red wraps and thick white ribbons, all thanks to my best friends. Jamie's mom, who was always so thoughtful and sweet to me, baked me a moist and decadent three-layered chocolate fudge cake with my name and a big heart topper that is made of pure fondant, my favorite. I probably have eaten half of it by myself; it was that delicious.

Thinking about it, the day still went according to plan. But it became so much better than I've imagined it would be. Together with my best friends, we had lunch at Buffet 101 to officially celebrate my birthday. It was special for me because I'm treating everyone with my hard-earned money from a hosting gig I did back in March. The best thing I could give all of us is the luxury of unlimited cuisines. Of course, I didn't forget to spend some special time with the Lord. We went to Divine Mercy. I thanked God for another year. I can only be grateful for having an amazing family who is supportive of all my dreams and aspirations, incredible friends who got my back through all of the highs and lows, and multiple opportunities of a lifetime. I capped-off the night with some of the best guy friends in the world. No better way to end my birthday than with hard liquor, genuine talks, and boisterous laughter.

But that was not the end of it all. Absolutely not it. 

Knowing how my birthday last year was a solid one and a total blast, I could not let my 21st pass without celebrating it with the same people who made it so much memorable. Two weeks after my actual birthday, I held a small and simple house party to gather everyone closest to my heart. I am a true fan of mixing different groups of friends, and obviously, I especially love doing it on my birthday. I was so grateful and overjoyed seeing my friends from both of my high schools and my blockmates from the university got along so well. We literally looked just like one huge barkada who had history and had known each other from long ago.
Until now, I am at loss for the right words to describe the night that was, but there's one thing I'm certain of: I'm genuinely and truthfully happy that it just gets more solid and better every year. If last year was hard to top; well, this year rightfully earned to fight for the title in claiming itself as the best one yet. Sharing with you a few photos from that night and hoping these frames could help me translate all the fun, wasted moments we've had and how much great of a time it was. 


You can also peep through my Instagram highlights and see more photos and videos for yourself. 
Link to my Instagram account is on the top right corner of this page or scroll down below *wink*

And just like that... I'm 21! I have no more excuses for doing all the childish, petty, and foolish things I've been doing in the past. An entirely new chapter opens for me this year, and no matter how terrifying it looks to me right now, I am also very much excited to face it head on. Here's to hoping I get to celebrate more loving and fruitful years with very precious humans who nurture my soul and make me the best version of me. Happy birthday, self! 


16th April

TWO DECADES AND ONE

April 17, 2019
Here is what two decades worth of constant learning and growing and healing have made me— hopeful and optimistic and brave. Although sometimes troubled and weary, I take pride with my patient and gallant heart that is struggling to listen more, to love truly, and to live fully each waking day. I battled all those young years of my life with grace and grit, and have managed to come through every single time with and because of a decision to be fearless. 

21 years after and here I am. 

I know of fearless learning— that with growth comes bracing uncertainty; that wisdom is unraveled through time and the willingness to unfold life and the thrill of it all at a slow, unpredictable pace; that finding and knowing yourself truly happens only if you have lost yourself in the process and learned; and that real growth is actually nurtured by courage, fueled by pain, and powered by failures. 

I grow fearless of failures— fearless enough to graciously celebrate these endless cycles of defeat; and valiant enough to get back up, start over, try again, and turn tables around. Unlike this tiny human spectrum that voids itself of imperfections, I bravely acknowledge my own vulnerabilities and openly accept the fragile parts of me.

I am now fearless of pain— fearless enough to allow my tired and heavy heart to cry and be defenseless at times; and generously award it the chance to rest for all the battles it conquered and had barely survived. I know the countless risks I gamble with every time I put myself in the possible pitfalls of coming up with decisions I was unsure of; but still have daringly taken just because it could have been worth it. The world had hurt me, stabbed me, and crushed me with its harsh reality. My heart was betrayed too many times, but it didn't fail to heal time and again. It was bravery to fight through the pain; and there was strength to find the courage to fight again. 

I am made of fearless dreams— the huge, ambitious ones that drive me insane and give me an incredible, rapid rush of adrenaline by simply thinking about them. I've built these dreams in my head and placed all of it in my heart only with the sincere intent to fulfill them. Both clueless and enthralled, I could not wait any longer to take on the world— little by little, slowly, surely, and selflessly— together with the very people who truly matter. 

I dream of fearless living— that the most meaningful moments almost always happen as an aftermath of massive leaps of faith boldly taken; that life is only truly relished if lived here and now without regrets; that memories of a lifetime are merely bestowed upon humans with dauntless souls. I lust after ambiguity, the vague image of the future, and the surprises it holds, and the inexplicable pleasure of knowing much but not everything at all. 
I live for fearless loving— the kind of love that is honest and genuine and brave; a love so unconditional that is showers forgiveness to those who are not even apologetic; a love so fearless that it braves losing important people over and over again; a love so heroic that it wishes goodness and happiness even for those who have harmed and wronged me. 

I want MORE of this fearless loving— the kind of self-love that transcends fiascoes and wrongs; a love that further nurtures my growth; a love that functions well with the rational; and a love that empathizes rather than sympathizes. 

I still hope to be more fearless to stand for what is true; to live with integrity and by principles; to fully accept responsibility; and to always speak of truth no matter how difficult it appears to be. Constantly, I remind myself that my world— and my numerous versions of reality— needs and deserves more of my bravery, no matter how little and insignificant it is. And for the rest of my life, for the years I have yet to wander this earth, I swear to be fearless in all the right ways, even if the world asks me otherwise.