Damn, 2018.
December 29, 2018
2018 was crazy wild.
The extreme polarity of this year, including all the sudden paradigm shifts in between, was insane and, literally, too much and a lot. I did not know exactly how I took it all in; how exactly my weak and crumbling heart handled it. Tough. Through what seemed to be the most emotionally unstable season of my young life by far, I find it amusing and mostly unbelievable that I am actually here— wounded, but still graciously celebrating the glorious ending of the year that was. Still grateful. Still hopeful.
I lived for the finite streak of huge ups that had me incredibly joyful and genuinely peaceful. I was once a hopeful romantic generously sharing my life and love to the world and my universe; purposefully living and vividly dreaming to my heart's content. Life then was quiet, but it was abundant. And sweet. And blissful. The idea of love and friendship and passion all coming together— like warmth and home, music and words, and finally you and I— is now a tangible, noble reality.
Yet, no sooner had I began fully indulging the adventures in regular mornings and seeking tranquility in silent sunsets than it started to fall apart. I protected it like a child but it still found an exceptional way to slip through my fingers. Tidal waves of crashing downs drowned my broken bones, slowly, and then everything all at once. It felt frozen and numb and cold on my insides, a different kind of sadness that had never kicked-in before. Surprisingly, that grief and despair had kept me going.
I reaped strength from my everyday little battles with the world and with myself; with my heart and with my head— sometimes winning, sometimes losing— but always gracefully coming through. I unknowingly nurtured this once tiny and empty seed of courage because of all the massive leaps of faith I have boldly taken and all the risks I was uncertain about but willingly gambled with. I sought a renewed faith from a love lost and the rare few who shed light and hope and warmth when I was lacking.
See, if I had skipped the heartaches and drama and the mess, I would also have missed this strange opportunity of growth and healing. I would have missed this chance of truly gratifying the people who got my back since day one and through it all. If I had known better, I would have missed some of the best days of this year and the greatest lessons it gifted. It was all worth it after all.
2018 was a blessing in so many ways and it takes a grateful and humbled heart to appreciate that. Everything did work out well for me, maybe not in the way I hoped it would be, but always in the way I never thought I needed. I struggled long enough with my restless head before I finally realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be— right here, right now, right at this very moment— and I figured, I could not be anywhere else.
As I wrap this year up through this post, let me spread my thank you's to the very people who made this heaven and hell of a 2018 a year to remember for always. Thank you for being there through my huge ups and crashing downs; for believing and staying when I can no longer carry the baggage on my own. Thank you for being my sunshine; my laughter; the light at the end of the tunnel; the golden pot at the end of the rainbow. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart and soul with me; for being home to me when I could not find myself and I had nowhere to run back to and no one to rest my mind and soul to. I've powered it through this year mainly because of you.
With strength, courage, and faith — 2019, I am slaying you.
With strength, courage, and faith — 2019, I am slaying you.
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