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FINAL FAREWELL

December 31, 2018

I would never know if putting down these thoughts constantly running in my head day and night is the best thing to do. But I am doing it, anyway, with walls crashed and all guards down. It is a rare case that you chance upon my space but if you do, in the slightest shot that you are actually reading this, here I am, bold and truthful, with my unfiltered musings. Bab, this is for you. 

How are you, my love? It has been a while since the last time we had a real conversation and that moment is still so vividly clear in my mind. There is this strange comfort I get from you and, surprisingly, despite being some sort of strangers yet again, you still had it. I remember how we spontaneously talked about your family and school and the latest events in our lives, and how we exchanged meaningful glances until the wee hours of the morning. If I only knew that would have been the last, I would have not just cried in front of you. I would have probably gathered every bit of insane courage to finally tell you everything I have wanted long enough to say. 

I miss you, that is all.

For the longest time, that is somewhat everything I wanted you to know. And I really wish I knew hundreds of different versions to say I miss you, so that every single time that I did, which is probably almost every single day since that very fateful day you decided to leave, I could have subtly told you how much your absence feels like a certain part of my being I never knew was there went suddenly missing. 

Solace and warmth and you— pretty much the same. I ran to your arms to feel what home feels like from a person's embrace and I had to simply look at you to console my troubled heart. You were my happy place for a while. I saw your heart in numerous unfathomable ways no one else did. You opened yourself to me like I was an old, familiar soul in your life; spoke to me in your own language, and let me into your world without I having to forget about my own universe. I have always wondered what it is in you that made love so warm and beautiful and possible for such a short, remarkable season. You made it feel like it was always the first kiss, like it was always the first hug, like it was always the first date, like it was always the first in everything. 

See? It was actually not difficult to fall head over heels for you. You made loving every bit of you so easy. I could go on and on and talk about the stars and music and words and the things I love so effortlessly, and end up proudly reciting a monologue about all the goodness I see in you.

But like all great things, we must come to an end. We fell apart— not the slow burden type, rather one that is rapid and punishing and excruciating. Seven months after and, here I am, still crazy wondering why. Some nights, I still get haunted by so many what if's and memories of what could have been if only we did what should have been. Other nights, I had to comfort myself with self-sufficing explanations because I am probably never getting answers from you ever. But most nights, I just prayed for strength and patience so I can still hold on a little bit longer to what we were and what we could have been, even if it meant hoping for something I once thought was worth it and waiting for something that is coming not anytime soon. 

I was not the kind to give up easily on someone who made my days brighter and lonely days bearable, especially not on you. But I was already too exhausted to survive a battle I started that was not supposed to exist in the first place. I got sick waiting for you to do the right thing. I got tired of making excuses for the things you did and failed to do. For what it's worth, I am letting it all go now. I am finally letting you go.

You were my 2018, love, and I can't thank you enough for it. It is quite embarrassing to admit that you were not just a mere highlight but also actually very much all of it. The year that was has been mostly and literally all about you and how much you made me genuinely happy even my eyes beam of it; and about how much you broke my heart and soul even the creases in my forehead ache whenever I go mad thinking where it went wrong. It was a bit awful and unforeseen what happened to us but, strangely and to be quite honest, I would be forever damned if we didn't happen at all. 

Ours was ephemeral, but it was sweet and blissful and romantic. It was a love that went downhill so incredibly fast without warning; I drowned from it. But, it was real, and I felt it in ways more than one. It was the kind of happy I never knew I wanted and needed so badly. For these, and many inexplicable and unfathomable reasons more, I am truly, absolutely— and still— eternally grateful. 

Knowing you totally changed my life forever. Best believe I will still keep the version of you that is wonder and love and kindness because that is how I would want to remember you for always. I am still rooting for you and your dreams. I am still behind you silently cheering for you. Wherever you are and whatever you do in this lifetime, I hope you are always well and happy. As long as you are, I am too.  

You will always hold a special place in my heart, Bab. Until we meet again. 
                                              
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Damn, 2018.

December 29, 2018
2018 was crazy wild.

 The extreme polarity of this year, including all the sudden paradigm shifts in between, was insane and, literally, too much and a lot. I did not know exactly how I took it all in; how exactly my weak and crumbling heart handled it. Tough. Through what seemed to be the most emotionally unstable season of my young life by far, I find it amusing and mostly unbelievable that I am actually here— wounded, but still graciously celebrating the glorious ending of the year that was. Still grateful. Still hopeful. 

I lived for the finite streak of huge ups that had me incredibly joyful and genuinely peaceful. I was once a hopeful romantic generously sharing my life and love to the world and my universe; purposefully living and vividly dreaming to my heart's content. Life then was quiet, but it was abundant. And sweet. And blissful. The idea of love and friendship and passion all coming together— like warmth and home, music and words, and finally you and I— is now a tangible, noble reality. 

Yet, no sooner had I began fully indulging the adventures in regular mornings and seeking tranquility in silent sunsets than it started to fall apart. I protected it like a child but it still found an exceptional way to slip through my fingers. Tidal waves of crashing downs drowned my broken bones, slowly, and then everything all at once. It felt frozen and numb and cold on my insides, a different kind of sadness that had never kicked-in before. Surprisingly, that grief and despair had kept me going.

I reaped strength from my everyday little battles with the world and with myself; with my heart and with my head— sometimes winning, sometimes losing— but always gracefully coming through. I unknowingly nurtured this once tiny and empty seed of courage because of all the massive leaps of faith I have boldly taken and all the risks I was uncertain about but willingly gambled with. I sought a renewed faith from a love lost and the rare few who shed light and hope and warmth when I was lacking. 

See, if I had skipped the heartaches and drama and the mess, I would also have missed  this strange opportunity of growth and healing. I would have missed this chance of truly gratifying the people who got my back since day one and through it all. If I had known better, I would have missed some of the best days of this year and the greatest lessons it gifted. It was all worth it after all. 

2018 was a blessing in so many ways and it takes a grateful and humbled heart to appreciate that. Everything did work out well for me, maybe not in the way I hoped it would be, but always in the way I never thought I needed. I struggled long enough with my restless head before I finally realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be— right here, right now, right at this very moment— and I figured, I could not be anywhere else.

As I wrap this year up through this post, let me spread my thank you's to the very people who made this heaven and hell of a 2018 a year to remember for always. Thank you for being there through my huge ups and crashing downs; for believing and staying when I can no longer carry the baggage on my own. Thank you for being my sunshine; my laughter; the light at the end of the tunnel; the golden pot at the end of the rainbow. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart and soul with me; for being home to me when I could not find myself and I had nowhere to run back to and no one to rest my mind and soul to. I've powered it through this year mainly because of you.

 With strength, courage, and faith — 2019, I am slaying you. 
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YOU ARE MY STAR

November 15, 2018

When love died, I set it out in the universe— in the infinite meadows of light and cosmic dust; in the cold, deep faces of heaven; and in the calm, glorious shadows of the moon. I let it wander the orbits of listless planets and collide with rocks and angel mists, until it finally explodes and spontaneously breaks out of its rigid walls. I spread it out too thickly like a ravaging wildfire, able to radiate its warmth far and wide, and silently reach the vast spaces between the stars. 

I built it a monument in the celestial sphere where it settled and found its peace, a promised eternity after death. It is now part of the gleaming tapestry of stars, an unnamed constellation but with a familiar glow vividly painted by you, gracing my earth with its remaining luminous night after night. 

You are my star, the kind that appears one night in a thousand years. A borrowed hope from a wounded fate, I held you so tightly in my bare and grateful palms, fervently praying our light and dreams and love never slip through my fingers. But I can only hope to keep its glow safe in my pockets, because like ashes to which human breath returns, I had to give it back to where it rightfully belongs— to the skies where it will never rust; to the universe where it will always ablaze; and to the heavens where it will live without end. 

Since then, I adored the solace of the night. Whenever I gaze upon the immeasurable glittering sky, it always feels like traveling in light years— remembering how once upon a time, that glitter was in your eyes and they were mine; beaming and flaring so beautifully, it held my spirits high. It crawled in my skin and crept in my bones; seeped through my veins, pierced straight through my heart, and dived right into my chambers; until it lovingly burned my soul — it was love. You are love, my sweetheart; and just like the most massive stars, ours was the shortest-lived. 

It climbed up the skies, traveled aimlessly, battled celestial wars, walked the infinite and the beyond, and finally sought its paradise. Love found an afterlife. In that galaxy, it will last— sprawling with gases and dust and countless stars— faded, yet somehow still burning bright, giving all what it had left to the skies, to stay there forever, never to face oblivion. 

How comforting it is to know that our love will always be here— still with the same flame, yet now tarnished with infinity, immortalized, and timeless— and all I have to do is look up and wait for the starry night. 
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MAHAL PA KITA

August 31, 2018

Mahal, 
isa pa.
Hindi pa sapat
ang oras at araw;
hindi pa tapos
 ang tadhana at langit;
hindi pa pagod
ang puso at isip.

Mahal,
kaya ko pa
maghintay,
at umasa,
at lumaban—
kahit mag-isa,
kahit wala na,
kahit talo na.

Mahal, 
ikaw pa rin
ang kahapon,
at bukas,
at ngayon;

ikaw pa rin
ang hinahanap,
at panalangin,
at pangarap;

ikaw pa rin
ang aking buwan,
at araw,
at bituin;

ikaw pa rin
ang tahanan 
at uuwian;
ang iiyakan
at hahagkan;
ang minahal,
at minamahal

Mahal,
dito lang ako
maghihintay,
at aasa,
at lalaban;
magmamahal,
at mas magmamahal—
nang mas tapat,
mas buo,
at mas totoo.

Mahal, 
isa pa.
Kaya ko pa.
Ikaw pa rin.
Dito lang ako.

Mahal pa kita.
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THE END?

August 16, 2018

It's 3AM and a bit lonely. Like how most sleepless nights have been for the past few weeks. Normally, this incredibly painful combination of solitary and agony would allow me to author the most personal and most heartfelt statements about grief and sorrow and longing and love. But tonight was entirely different.

Odd. I can not write about us.

Not that our story was meaningless. Nor did I forget about how it all began. It was utterly impossible not to recall that very night. I remember the first time you held my hand; how my sweaty, nervous palms perfectly clasped with yours, and how, for that very moment, everything became suddenly motionless. The only thing that mattered was you. I still remember the look in your eyes. That pair that speaks volumes right through you was my absolute favorite. It was difficult not to fall in love with that. Your smile that hooked my heart and soul had kept me going. I know all is well in the world because I have you.

I remember how I have always looked forward to running into your arms by the end of every week, only to tell you about the little, petty, scary, funny details of my everyday.  It was frustrating how much we miss each other as soon as we part ways. I was only either with you or waiting to be with you again. Time together, no matter how short and quick, consoled my troubled heart and made me forget of what was before you and me. Coming home to you have always felt like the world is ours, and ours alone. 

But I also remember clearly how it fell apart. I remember the exact day we stopped talking, and how, on the succeeding days, I silently pleaded all the stars and gods there are to hear your voice for one last time. I saw all of it crashed right in front of me. It was terrifying. Painful. Heartbreaking. Without fair warning, you were gone. I lost you, without knowing completely how and why, just like that.

It feels like only yesterday when this emotional roller coaster that is pure bliss and sudden bitter downfall happened. See, it is impossible to not find the right words to write an ode to a man I have loved and lost. It could go a long stretch, to be honest. But with this deafening silence, with this lonesome, with this heavy heart, and with this hopeless desire, I choose to not seek the words that fit. Just not yet. 

I can write endings. But clearly, I still could not start phrasing ours. I want the perfect words to flow from a grateful and humbled and learned heart, and not from a heart that is still aching and breaking and hurting. I want our ending written painfully beautiful, one that is still grounded in love. In gratitude. In hope. 

I can not write about us. Just not yet. For until now, for what it's worth, I still end our story with baka pwede pa. 

I just need a little more time to have the courage to catch the words floating in mid-air. Let me first gather my excess feelings I left all over the place. Maybe just a few more weeks— a few more days— to heal myself and finally accept the truth that this could have been a story that deserves to have a better ending; but now it is a story probably best to end this way. That the next time I would sit down and pen the mere possible joyful endings, all of those are just entries to what could have been and what we would never be. 
A-List

10 Things I Learned in my Three Years of College

August 12, 2018
taken during the Thomasian Welcome Walk 2015

 1. 24 hours a day and seven days a week is never enough when you enter college. Academic work, unfortunately, requires a lot of our personal time. Worse, it sometimes asks for our weekends, too— the only family and leisure time we can relish— just to meet our deadlines. It can really be overwhelming but you just have to know how to manage your time wisely and properly so you can get things done promptly, and still have more days for yourself, family, and friends.
TIP: Keep a journal. Make it a diary-planner. It helps B I G T I M E that you get to track the things you have to accomplish. Plan your weekly agenda thoroughly.  Schedule it out. Write down important dates— trust me, you will be reminded constantly of your deadlines if you see them written down or posted in one corner of your study area. Your planner can be your step one to not cram and procrastinate everything. 

Also, make this an account of your college experiences. Write about the event you attended. Spill out what happened at last night's affair. Or bullet down the good things about your day. It is nice that you have fun, memorable moments to look back to during the times college gets stressful and less enjoyable. You will be glad when you try to flip a few pages back and read about the little details from last month. It comes handy!


2.  Set your priorities straight. It is exhilarating knowing you are on your own now, living the city life at its best, and enjoying the youth that is you. However, the fact still remains that you are in the university for a reason. Your studies is still your topmost priority for now. Learn to say "no" to late night hangouts when you have exams the following day. Read your books if you must. Review your lessons if you should. Make sure you have accomplished everything that is required to be finished before you decide to do things outside academics. There is always time for your leisure, anyway.
TIP: If you are aiming for that Laude medal just like I am, I say, you should not overlook the first semesters of your college years. First year college counts a lot! Start persevering and working hard right  N O W ! 


Also, one thing I practice since first year college that had basically saved me almost every semester is to exert my 100% effort during the prelim period. I endure the busy days, sleepless nights, and hard work as early as the first months of the semester to achieve my target grades. If you have an excellent foundation, trust me, there is no way you would fail. You will know it when your grades are already enough to reach your goal GWA, and that is when you can be a little chill and less stressed come final period. 


3. Unwind. College can be really, really stressful. The amount of class work you have can sometimes be unbelievable and inhumane. But, do not let the academic stress devour you alive. Loosen up! Treat yourself, relax, and take care of your mental health! Studying will not feel like a burden if you don't put too much pressure on your head and still allow yourself to do the things you love doing. Catch-up with old friends once in a while. Eat good food. Get your nails done. Pamper yourself. Binge-watch your favorite series. Schedule a Friday night hangout with your block. Drink a lot, stay out late, and have a fun, solid night with them! Unwind— BUT do not go overboard. 
4. Learn to budget. It can be overwhelming handling a huge amount of money for the first time. There is nothing wrong spending all of it for your needs, but to splurge on your wants massively can be a problem. Don't spend your one week of allowance for three days only. You can't borrow money from friends all the time and be in debt your whole life. Do a little math, and be thrifty. Avoid overspending. Your little savings can be beneficial for emergency purposes. Also, the upside, you can plan a trip or schedule a shopping spree with your best friend knowing you have saved a good amount of money.

TIP: Try the 50-peso challenge that went viral online!
5. You can survive with only two or three friends in your circle. Trust me, you only need the truest, most understanding, and most honest support system to get through every single day of your college life. And if it means having only a few ones, you are still good to go! Choose very well the people you are going to include in your clique. The university life is already challenging enough; you need no more toxic individuals to add up to the struggles. We only want the people who will help us grow as a person— friends who will be extra patient with our shortcomings; friends who will be with us during unnecessary mental breakdowns; friends who will be there through our ups and downs; and friends who will support us with our dreams and aspirations.
6. It is okay to do things alone. There would be days when friends are not readily available to help you finish some tasks, or just not free to simply go out with you. During these very rare moments, I tell you, there is nothing wrong doing all of it alone. Eat out alone. Study in the library alone. Get pampered alone. Workout alone. Enjoy the company of yourself. You will be surprised at how, during most times, isolating yourself from the world and doing things by yourself is actually a lot more convenient than you thought it would be. Sometimes, all you need is a good and satisfying "me" time to achieve that inner peace.

7. High school friends will always breathe a new life into our sometimes humdrum college cycle. Do I really have to say more? When it gets too exhausting and highly draining, it would be really great to have your high school friends to run back to. Quite frankly, it is during the few, rare days we get to catch-up with these very people that we become kids again who care less about the world.
TIP: A perfect year-ender is with your best set of high school friends! You will realize how a lot have happened and how so much has changed, yet you remain to be the solid people you know from way back.



8. Explore and create connections. Sometimes, our passions and best interests cannot be fully developed by merely staying in the four corners of our classroom. Go out. Find the organization that fosters growth and showers you multiple opportunities of a lifetime. It's true when they say that the best learning experiences are almost always provided by these local and university-wide organizations. Also, you get to meet other people outside your block who have the same drive as you. If you are lucky, they can become family to you, too.
TIP: If you are from UST, check out TOMCAT and Tiger Media Network! THE. FREAKING. BEST! Both bring out the best of your abilities and make you competent individuals when it comes to events production and media broadcasting. *wink wink*



9. College is stepping out of your comfort zone. It is during college when we outgrow those childish habits and literally grow apart from people close to home. We become different people and grow into these more matured individuals who are now goal-driven. It might look scary at first, but then we realize that stepping out of our comfort zones is we getting closer and closer to our dreams.


10. Savour every moment of your college life. I am down to my last ten months in college and I would honestly just like to go back to my first year in the university. I was always in a rush to graduate but now that we are just counting months— days— I wished I had cherished more every moment from way back. I say, make the most of your stay in college. Aside from graduating with flying colors, personally, it is important, too, that you make memories you will treasure for the rest of your life. It may be exhausting and draining at most times, but don't let it get to you. College will, undeniably and without a doubt, still give you some of the best days of your life. With the freedom and all, you are sure in for a crazy, wild, fun, memorable ride— E N J O Y !

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MADEMOISELLE

August 06, 2018


This is me in my selfless, most honest, most vulnerable form confessing in blank, white spaces that I could and probably never would in a lifetime chance upon the right words to completely encapsulate the oddity of my feelings that come and go and stay. Yet despite being slightly off and occasionally inaccurate, these words that come out of me still tell the truth. They allow me to be sometimes helpless. Often raw. But always genuine.


Interestingly, this space is created to always remind myself of that— that although words are apparently never enough, I still do find comfort and refuge blurting them out in existing sufficient ways I know how.


This is for the unwanted thoughts that all too suddenly creep in late at night, and would still haunt me come morning. For the ideas that come with cold showers or during long, silent car rides, that lingered and waited— patiently waited— for the right moment to be noticed, fully comprehended, and finally, now, written down.


This is not a great piece of literature nor a philosophy the world would revere. This is to merely allow countless thoughts to freely wander like gypsy souls, and seep adrenaline through these spaces. Or solely to fulfill a simple desire of preserving a euphoric memory that had no tangible souvenir. This is for nostalgia— an archive of blissful days and a memento of all the ups and downs that would serve a refreshing trip down memory lane years from now.


This is me letting go of pain in the easiest, most peaceful, least extravagant way I know how. When sleepless nights have become lonely mornings, when salty tears can no longer numb the sorrows, and when grief slowly devours my brittle soul alive; words in writing, surprisingly, help exhaust the negative energy off my broken chambers.


This is me allowing myself to breathe from my seemingly restless mind. This is for the times I choose to take a step back to embrace my own realities— the reality that my thoughts are almost always strangled; that my heart contradicts my mind at most times; and that my life, just as much as the world, is actually a bit messy, too. 


I am no good of a writer who seeks a sanctuary in this personal space. But I am hopeful that in my possibly incorrect grammar and complex sentences, maybe, you find your solace, too. That you may grasp a bit of love, light, wisdom, hope, and inspiration through my prose, all of which is unearthed in my sometimes cluttered thoughts. 


Here's to unfinished sentences, word vomits, and meaningful clauses. Here's to the little world I created for myself but would gladly and with so much pleasure share with all of you. Here's to you who willingly spent a few minutes reading this— come through!


This space is mine, as much as this is yours.