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FINAL FAREWELL

December 31, 2018

I would never know if putting down these thoughts constantly running in my head day and night is the best thing to do. But I am doing it, anyway, with walls crashed and all guards down. It is a rare case that you chance upon my space but if you do, in the slightest shot that you are actually reading this, here I am, bold and truthful, with my unfiltered musings. Bab, this is for you

How are you, my love? It has been a while since the last time we had a real conversation and that moment is still so vividly clear in my mind.
There is this strange comfort I get from you and, surprisingly, despite being some sort of strangers yet again, you still had it. I remember how we spontaneously talked about your family and school and the latest events in our lives, and how we exchanged meaningful glances until the wee hours of the morning. If I only knew that would have been the last, I would have not just cried in front of you. I would have probably gathered every bit of insane courage to finally tell you everything I have wanted long enough to say. 

I miss you
, that is all.

For the longest time, that is somewhat everything I wanted you to know. And I really wish I knew hundreds of different versions to say I miss you, so that every single time that I did, which is probably almost every single day since that very fateful day you decided to leave, I could have subtly told you how much your absence feels like a certain part of my being I never knew was there went suddenly missing. 

Solace and warmth and you— pretty much the same.
 
I ran to your arms to feel what home feels like from a person's embrace and I had to simply look at you to console my troubled heart. You were my happy place for a while. I saw your heart in numerous unfathomable ways no one else did. You opened yourself to me like I was an old, familiar soul in your life; spoke to me in your own language, and let me into your world without I having to forget about my own universe. 
I have always wondered what it is in you that made love so warm and beautiful and possible for such a short, remarkable season. You made it feel like it was always the first kiss, like it was always the first hug, like it was always the first date, like it was always the first in everything. 

See? It was actually not difficult to fall head over heels for you. 
You made loving every bit of you so easy. I could go on and on and talk about the stars and music and words and the things I love so effortlessly, and end up proudly reciting a monologue about all the goodness I see in you.

But like all great things,
we must come to an end. We fell apart— not the slow burden type, rather one that is rapid and punishing and excruciating. Seven months after and, here I am, still crazy wondering why. Some nights, I still get haunted by so many what if's and memories of what could have been if only we did what should have been. Other nights, I had to comfort myself with self-sufficing explanations because I am probably never getting answers from you ever. But most nights, I just prayed for strength and patience so I can still hold on a little bit longer to what we were and what we could have been, even if it meant hoping for something I once thought was worth it and waiting for something that is coming not anytime soon. 

I was not the kind to give up easily on someone who made my days brighter and lonely days bearable, especially not on you. But I was already too exhausted to survive a battle I started that was not supposed to exist in the first place. I got sick waiting for you to do the right thing. I got tired of making excuses for the things you did and failed to do. For what it's worth, I am letting it all go now. I am finally letting you go.

You were my 2018, love, and I can't thank you enough for it.
It is quite embarrassing to admit that you were not just a mere highlight but also actually very much all of it. The year that was has been mostly and literally all about you and how much you made me genuinely happy even my eyes beam of it; and about how much you broke my heart and soul even the creases in my forehead ache whenever I go mad thinking where it went wrong. It was a bit awful and unforeseen what happened to us but, strangely and to be quite honest, I would be forever damned if we didn't happen at all. 

Ours was ephemeral, but it was sweet and blissful and romantic.
It was a love that went downhill so incredibly fast without warning; I drowned from it. But, it was real, and I felt it in ways more than one. It was the kind of happy I never knew I wanted and needed so badly. For these, and many inexplicable and unfathomable reasons more, I am truly, absolutely— and still— eternally grateful. 

Knowing you totally changed my life forever.
Best believe I will still keep the version of you that is wonder and love and kindness because that is how I would want to remember you for always. 
I am still rooting for you and your dreams. I am still behind you silently cheering for you. Wherever you are and whatever you do in this lifetime, I hope you are always well and happy. As long as you are, I am too.  

You will always hold a special place in my heart, Bab. Until we meet again. 
                                              
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Damn, 2018.

December 29, 2018
2018 was crazy wild.

The extreme polarity of this year, including all the sudden paradigm shifts in between, was insane and, literally, too much and a lot. I did not know exactly how I took it all in; how exactly my weak and crumbling heart handled it. Tough. Through what seemed to be the most emotionally unstable season of my young life by far, I find it amusing and mostly unbelievable that I am actually here— wounded, but still graciously celebrating the glorious ending of the year that was. Still grateful. Still hopeful

I lived for the finite streak of huge ups that had me incredibly joyful and genuinely peaceful. I was once a hopeful romantic generously sharing my life and love to the world and my universe; purposefully living and vividly dreaming to my heart's content. Life then was quiet, but it was abundant. And sweet. And blissful. The idea of love and friendship and passion all coming together— like warmth and home, music and words, and finally you and I— is now a tangible, noble reality. 

Yet, no sooner had I began fully indulging the adventures in regular mornings and seeking tranquility in silent sunsets than it started to fall apart. I protected it like a child but it still found an exceptional way to slip through my fingers. Tidal waves of crashing downs drowned my broken bones, slowly, and then everything all at once. It felt frozen and numb and cold on my insides, a different kind of sadness that had never kicked-in before. Surprisingly, that grief and despair had kept me going.

I reaped strength from my everyday little battles with the world and with myself; with my heart and with my head— sometimes winning, sometimes losing— but always gracefully coming through. I unknowingly nurtured this once tiny and empty seed of courage because of all the massive leaps of faith I have boldly taken and all the risks I was uncertain about but willingly gambled with. I sought a renewed faith from a love lost and the rare few who shed light and hope and warmth when I was lacking. 

See, if I had skipped the heartaches and drama and the mess, I would also have missed  this strange opportunity of growth and healing. I would have missed this chance of truly gratifying the people who got my back since day one and through it all. If I had known better, I would have missed some of the best days of this year and the greatest lessons it gifted. It was all worth it after all. 

2018 was a blessing in so many ways and it takes a grateful and humbled heart to appreciate that. Everything did work out well for me, maybe not in the way I hoped it would be, but always in the way I never thought I needed. I struggled long enough with my restless head before I finally realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be— right here, right now, right at this very moment— and I figured, I could not be anywhere else.

As I wrap this year up through this post, let me spread my thank you's to the very people who made this heaven and hell of a 2018 a year to remember for always. Thank you for being there through my huge ups and crashing downs; for believing and staying when I can no longer carry the baggage on my own. Thank you for being my sunshine; my laughter; the light at the end of the tunnel; the golden pot at the end of the rainbow. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart and soul with me; for being home to me when I could not find myself and I had nowhere to run back to and no one to rest my mind and soul to. I've powered it through this year mainly because of you.

With strength, courage, and faith — 2019, I am slaying you.