Wow — 2020! This year was so terrible I feel like there's so much, yet ironically, also nothing happened for me. I tried looking back and it was honestly so difficult to think of anything outside the pandemic and the long lockdown and quarantine.
You see, the Bataan outing I've had with my solid high school barkada felt like years ago when it has only been just 11 months. That was January — could have been the worst because we were caught in a car accident on the way home (which still traumatizes me to this day), but the days that came after decided to be worse; so I guess, yup — that solid night is probably my best memory with friends this year. The next morning, like nothing so bad happened, it was already my first day on my current job. My life was all about it since then.
The last normal thing I did before the pandemic was climbing twin mountains in Bulacan. That was March — my first ever hike — when I promised myself I'd start to see beautiful sunrises on top of mountains this year. But then, that was the first and last of 2020. The last memorable thing I did before we went on full lockdown five days thereafter.
I turned 22 this year and had no proper celebration like what I've been planning in my head since February. People closest to me would know how much I look forward to every celebration and how I am always so eager to prepare and plan everything because it's the one day I get to gather my different circles of friends. I love it when I see everyone so comfortably drunk and laughing altogether as if they have known each other for so long. But I was deprived of such beautiful moment this year, and that makes me ultimately sad. It honestly feels like one year of my life was taken away from me defenselessly. I can only wish to turn back time just so I could make my 22nd year a bit more memorable as it should be.
The next months were blurry. Vague. The year went by slow and quick at the same time. I tried hopping from one bandwagon to another — made Dalgona coffee and miserably failed; learned how to bake like everyone else; tried every sushi bake online; splurged over unnecessary pretty things every grand sale day of the month; binge-watched and cried over every K-Drama I see on Netflix; and now I'm also almost done revamping my room. Were all of these my coping mechanisms? I think so. With the pandemic and the consequences of not being able to see my friends regularly, going through work stress and career crisis in my own room, and my most important relationships falling apart right before my eyes — those truthfully helped me and kept me sane one point or another.
But, still, the days were lonely. Terrible. Difficult.
Then, I found Bangtan — brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. It was a complete turnaround for me. I don't expect people from outside to understand. It's unreal, but also so genuine at the same time. Nothing had healed me like they did. They saved me from my own demons, my heartbreaks, and from all the crazy the pandemic has brought upon me. The lonely days suddenly felt bearable. Some friendships dissolved along the way; but also because of BTS, I rekindled a few relationships and found new friends to share this pure love with.
This year changed me in a lot of ways, too. The way I think, how I react, how I handle things, the decisions I make, the kind of energy I allow in my life, my pains, the happiness I choose to have — all of it drastically changed in such a short amount of time. I'm not entirely sure if these are effects caused by the pandemic as well; but, certainly, it forced me to live a totally different life. The hardships and heartbreaks that I willingly chose to silently deal with have molded my character today; redefined how I come face to face with my own battles; and allowed me to know myself better in a lot of aspects. With everything that happened, I just know, at the very least, in one way or another, I grew up. And I have been better.
Thankfully, 2020 also gifted me with wonderful people whose very presence comforted me in times of sorrow and difficulties. As I look back, as much as I love resolving things on my own, certain people still made sure I don't go through it alone — they who have constantly loved me and cared for me and valued me in ways more than one. They are 2020's best blessings to me. They are absolutely the same people I'll take care of and keep in my life for a long time.
Today, I think about these things. I would want to be a hundred percent genuinely grateful because my biggest blessing this year is that I'm healthy and alive and my family is far from sick. But there is this selfish, insensitive part of me that isn't, that I couldn't just simply ignore; because I know that it could have been different. It could have been better.
Trust me, I also hate how privileged all of this sounds. But, I would just like to finally speak of these things, and validate my personal struggles before I fully let go of this year — just once, here in my safe space. I am completely aware of how hard it was for others and I couldn't even imagine putting myself in their shoes. But, it was a struggle for me, too — and I have to acknowledge it at the very least. I promised to live a little kinder everyday; to sympathize and empathize and be as compassionate as I can to others; that I tend to forget how important it is to care for and be kinder to myself also. I know we all faced battles this year; yours and others were probably way more difficult than mine. But it doesn't make mine less of a struggle. As for me, this has been the toughest season of my life; and just this time, for the sake of my peace, I won't invalidate it any longer.
The world stopped for me this year. All too suddenly and without fair warning. Everything changed for me. My daily life. My relationships. My usual. My dreams. My goals. It was so hard to take in all at once, but I had to; because accepting it is the best choice and is the only way to move forward.
That's just it for me and my year-end note.
Thank you to my family and my best friends for keeping me sane and for your constant effort to make me feel loved.
To my OT7, you are honestly the best thing that happened to me this year.
I'm just ready to finally end and let go of this year. It was truly a lot. There's nothing more to say so I would like to end this with — good fucking bye, 2020.
