personal

2021

January 14, 2022


  

Grateful. Still. Like always. 

Looking back, there's too much and a lot that happened this year that I am not entirely sure if it was just a year; or it was just too much that my life literally changed all too suddenly. But now that I'm trying to wrap-up the year that has been — thinking about all the good things, best memories, warm days, happy places, and everything that made my 2021 a year — all too suddenly, everything that was the opposite seemed like a tiny dust in this grand spectacle; those that crushed me to pieces seemed insignificant and I couldn't even be bothered at all. Right now, with all sincerity, my heart only recognizes of love and light and gratitude. 

Here's to the year that was — the year when I've fully realized that I am truly surrounded with the best people in the world. So many people to thank, REALLY! My endless thanks goes to the family who constantly choose to be a family to me, and to the best friends in this planet who have become one most especially when I was yearning for one. I can't imagine getting through this year without their love, support, and guidance. To all of you, I owe you this year and I will thank you forever. 

Just like the calming waves, changing colors as they break upon the shore, rolling along without much effort, but keeps crashing and coming back to the sands no matter what — I'll face 2022 head on. Calm. Ever evolving. Always easy. Breaking, but definitely powering through with strength and love. 

BTS

Film Out

April 03, 2021

 


Letting go is one thing; but letting go of something you believed you never have to is a different kind of heartbreak. And you'd think that's painful enough. Learning how to be at peace with the thought that's all that is left are just memories — that is where everything hurts. 

But we settle with that. We protect these images in our heads so dearly because that is the only way to keep what was real. What was light. What was love. 

Maybe that's why history is so important; because it's a shared piece of our lives that can never be taken away by anyone that comes after us. 

And maybe that's why nostalgia was invented; because it's the closest way to remember the piece of ourselves that got lost, too, when they decided to leave. 
featured

WOW — 2020!

January 03, 2021

Wow — 2020! This year was so terrible I feel like there's so much, yet ironically, also nothing happened for me. I tried looking back and it was honestly so difficult to think of anything outside the pandemic and the long lockdown and quarantine.

You see, the Bataan outing I've had with my solid high school barkada felt like years ago when it has only been just 11 months. That was January — could have been the worst because we were caught in a car accident on the way home (which still traumatizes me to this day), but the days that came after decided to be worse; so I guess, yup — that solid night is probably my best memory with friends this year. The next morning, like nothing so bad happened, it was already my first day on my current job. My life was all about it since then. 

The last normal thing I did before the pandemic was climbing twin mountains in Bulacan. That was March — my first ever hike — when I promised myself I'd start to see beautiful sunrises on top of mountains this year. But then, that was the first and last of 2020. The last memorable thing I did before we went on full lockdown five days thereafter. 

I turned 22 this year and had no proper celebration like what I've been planning in my head since February. People closest to me would know how much I look forward to every celebration and how I am always so eager to prepare and plan everything because it's the one day I get to gather my different circles of friends. I love it when I see everyone so comfortably drunk and laughing altogether as if they have known each other for so long. But I was deprived of such beautiful moment this year, and that makes me ultimately sad. It honestly feels like one year of my life was taken away from me defenselessly. I can only wish to turn back time just so I could make my 22nd year a bit more memorable as it should be.

The next months were blurry. Vague. The year went by slow and quick at the same time. I tried hopping from one bandwagon to another — made Dalgona coffee and miserably failed; learned how to bake like everyone else; tried every sushi bake online; splurged over unnecessary pretty things every grand sale day of the month; binge-watched and cried over every K-Drama I see on Netflix; and now I'm also almost done revamping my room. Were all of these my coping mechanisms? I think so. With the pandemic and the consequences of not being able to see my friends regularly, going through work stress and career crisis in my own room, and my most important relationships falling apart right before my eyes — those truthfully helped me and kept me sane one point or another. 

But, still, the days were lonely. Terrible. Difficult. 

Then, I found Bangtan — brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. It was a complete turnaround for me. I don't expect people from outside to understand. It's unreal, but also so genuine at the same time. Nothing had healed me like they did. They saved me from my own demons, my heartbreaks, and from all the crazy the pandemic has brought upon me. The lonely days suddenly felt bearable. Some friendships dissolved along the way; but also because of BTS, I rekindled a few relationships and found new friends to share this pure love with. 

This year changed me in a lot of ways, too. The way I think, how I react, how I handle things, the decisions I make, the kind of energy I allow in my life, my pains, the happiness I choose to have — all of it drastically changed in such a short amount of time. I'm not entirely sure if these are effects caused by the pandemic as well; but, certainly, it forced me to live a totally different life. The hardships and heartbreaks that I willingly chose to silently deal with have molded my character today; redefined how I come face to face with my own battles; and allowed me to know myself better in a lot of aspects. With everything that happened, I just know, at the very least, in one way or another, I grew up. And I have been better. 

Thankfully, 2020 also gifted me with wonderful people whose very presence comforted me in times of sorrow and difficulties. As I look back, as much as I love resolving things on my own, certain people still made sure I don't go through it alone — they who have constantly loved me and cared for me and valued me in ways more than one. They are 2020's best blessings to me. They are absolutely the same people I'll take care of and keep in my life for a long time. 

Today, I think about these things. I would want to be a hundred percent genuinely grateful because my biggest blessing this year is that I'm healthy and alive and my family is far from sick. But there is this selfish, insensitive part of me that isn't, that I couldn't just simply ignore; because I know that it could have been different. It could have been better. 

Trust me, I also hate how privileged all of this sounds. But, I would just like to finally speak of these things, and validate my personal struggles before I fully let go of this year — just once, here in my safe space. I am completely aware of how hard it was for others and I couldn't even imagine putting myself in their shoes. But, it was a struggle for me, too — and I have to acknowledge it at the very least. I promised to live a little kinder everyday; to sympathize and empathize and be as compassionate as I can to others; that I tend to forget how important it is to care for and be kinder to myself also. I know we all faced battles this year; yours and others were probably way more difficult than mine. But it doesn't make mine less of a struggle. As for me, this has been the toughest season of my life; and just this time, for the sake of my peace, I won't invalidate it any longer.

The world stopped for me this year. All too suddenly and without fair warning. Everything changed for me. My daily life. My relationships. My usual. My dreams. My goals. It was so hard to take in all at once, but I had to; because accepting it is the best choice and is the only way to move forward. 

That's just it for me and my year-end note.

Thank you to my family and my best friends for keeping me sane and for your constant effort to make me feel loved. 

To my OT7, you are honestly the best thing that happened to me this year. 

I'm just ready to finally end and let go of this year. It was truly a lot. There's nothing more to say so I would like to end this with — good fucking bye, 2020. 
BTS

PROLOGUE: BANGTAN

November 22, 2020

Sometimes, I try to comprehend this love I have for BTS — where it's coming from, why it just keeps growing, and how possible it is to feel this much. It sounds crazy but they were the friends I had when I needed someone to listen to my truths and fears. 

I remember how much I struggled with my friendships and career this year; all of it happening while dealing with the pandemic. I had to take it all in and act as if everything was perfectly fine; just because. I had to live with the monsters in my head that I created myself. Sometimes, I feel like they're eating me alive, but I refused to ask for anyone's help because I didn't want to add up to anyone's struggles anymore. 

Then, I FOUND BANGTAN. 

Healing from these things is never easy. More so, trying to do it alone. But with BTS, healing doesn't have to become so messy — thanks to their music, their story, their presence, their lives. Again, it sounds insane, but it was BTS who truthfully saved me from these unwanted monsters. They brought so much light and hope and love and joy and inspiration to my life during these most difficult times. 

I knew I needed someone to understand and it was their music that became my absolute consolation. It honestly felt like my fears were valid; and for the first time, it felt okay to be sad about something. Suddenly, it was okay to feel. 

I am happier and so much better now. But healing takes time and I am still on the process of fixing everything that was broken of me. It would have been tiring and difficult; but now, I look at it as a journey that will unfold countless better things for me when I reach its end. Now, I think less of the bad days and the sad memories. I only look forward to the good days and happy memories that are waiting for me. 

People from outside will never understand this incredible, wonderful, overwhelming love for Bangtan and how it had changed my life one way or another; that's why besides finding them and their beautiful, heartfelt, meaningful music, I am so glad to have found friends to share all of this with. I mean, reconnecting friendships that go way back elementary; mending broken relationships; bridging the distance between PH and USA; and finding someone who felt like a soul sister BECAUSE OF BTS! I think that's beautiful. 

To YOU who is reading this right now, I truthfully hope that you get to meet these amazing people, too, one day — in the most perfect time, in YOUR right time — just like I did. And if you already did, welcome to my space that will most probably be talking a lot about them now. Let's share this love for a long, long time!


featured

GOOD DREAM

June 05, 2020




I wish to tell the world we made it. 
But you and I were a dream short-lived. 

If that was the only lifetime we have, I would spread all the love I have of you too thickly until I cover all the vast spaces between then and now. 

If that was the only lifetime we have, I would hide in the sunset and and squeeze myself in the last minute before we parted ways. 

If that was the only lifetime we have, I would scatter pieces of me in the night sky, in the silence, and in the long ride home so I could stay and live a bit longer in this only lifetime we'll ever share. 

You were a good dream, the kind that appears one night in a thousand years.
I would live in it if I could. 

But we were meant to live a thousand other nights more. 

I can only hope of a lifetime where we try a little harder; where I could be right for you and you could be better for me. 

Until then, you will always be my good dream.